Broken News

Wogan: "Euro 08 is a farce, the Balkans just look after themselves, what a surprise!"  -   Lawrenson "unease" over Wankdorf Stadion pronunciation   -   Stem cell therapy could cure deadly Group C say boffins   -   Melchiot confesses to Van Bronkhorst in sleep: "I shouldn't be here"   -   "Obama won’t solve our defensive frailties" weeps Pogatetz   -   Greece 2 not as good as the original admits Rehhagal   -   David Villa growing sick of 'housing puns' say team mates   -   Romania mania hits Mesopotamia   -   Cannavaro: "Ankle injury couldn't have come at a better time - now I won't miss a minute of George Lamb on Big Brother's Little Brother"   -   Garth Crooks expects Euro win for Germany, France, Italy or Spain   -   Carvalho: "I can guarantee fantasy points but probably not the trophy"   -   84% of European fans will miss golden goal rule more than England football team at Euro 2008   -   Lionhearted John Terry will take penalty "if required" during Euros   -   Panini report disappointing UK sales figures, CEO blames credit crunch   -   Ferdinand: "I didn't want to go Austria/Switzerland anyway. Pricks"   -   Sales of Carling/BBQ’s/Super soakers not expected to rise by 500% in the next month   -   SWISS BREAK(fast)ING NEWS: Alpen is best selling muesli for 409th year running

Rooney superpokes Carvalho on Facebook days before Champions League final  -   Plainmoor to host Wrestlemania ‘09   -   Everton play topless to highlight climate change   -   Parma relegation bad news for ham sales   -   West Ham’s top 10 finish good news for ham sales   -   Moyes' breakfast show rapped for homophobia again   -   Adebayor: "I want to join a gang"   -   Orbis reveal Vasiliy Rats as most 'got' player of Italia 90   -   Crewe boss: "How can we concentrate on football with all these trains whizzing past?"   -   Guaranteed 30-second Souness relief: 0118 484 4950   -   Four Four Two magazine to commemorate 20 years of the wing back with one-off Three Five Two edition   -   Gartside to sue O2 over bolt-on promotion   -   Eduardo: "Tracy Beaker helped me through injury nightmare"   -   Source: "Belinda Carlisle doesn’t support Carlisle... In fact, she hates football"   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim "hurt" to be left out of West Ham Premier League Allstars squad

Leeds docked further points for "answering back"  -   Ferguson expects "snow, hooliganism and plenty of added time" in Moscow   -   Man, Beckenham, remains convinced Football Italia opening credits were saying "Goal Lazio"   -   Hansen: "Mmmbop!"   -   Year on from Derby, Stoke City revealed to be yet another promotion hoax   -   Benitez goatee set for nationalisation   -   Mass rioting in Luton after botched short corner   -   Roberto Carlos admits: "Free kick was a mishit chip"   -   Middlesbrough ended barren spell thanks to Lynx 1+2=3 claims Southgate   -   Motson: his life in pictures   -   Toffees fans "don't want stadium in river Mersey"   -   Schalke: "Could we sound any more German?"   -   Spencer Prior dropped as Quizcall host   -   Crisis talks at The Dell   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim tells that Steve Potts story during nostalgic pint with Stan Lazaridis

Stoke fans reveal timetable for withdrawl after Britannia pitch invasion  -   75% of women believe offside traps to be inhumane   -   Wenger: "Mathieu is a Fla-meanie"   -   Next Skybet campaign to run on slogan "It matters more when your house and future's on it"   -   Toon change name to Royal Engineers to claim early silverware   -   Tyldesley admits to hatred of spiders and Birmingham City   -   Muamba: "I just really like standing close to the goalie"   -   Luznhy: "Championship Manager got me wrong"   -   Roots Hall goal netting drama for Sammy the Shrimp   -   Blue Peter criticised for UEFA coaching badge mix-up   -   Ronaldo gracelessly accepts Euro 2008 golden boot in advance to save time   -   Spurs tribute band The Alan Hutton Inquiry to headline Glastonbury's football stage   -   Trinny, Susannah, Armani team up to denounce Allardyce's "vile" Soccer Saturday jacket   -   "Whatever happened to Steve Froggatt?" wonders new eight part BBC4 series   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim eyes up Ollie's slightly bigger office

Barwick sniggers sarcastically: "Yeah, sure you can qualify for Europe through the FA Cup!" forgetting Cardiff are already in final  -   Wigan fans choose Forsyth as favourite Bruce   -   Trouble for Friedel as scratchcard addiction rumours go public   -   OK Computer voted greatest player of all time   -   St Johnstone and St Mirren form breakaway Holy League   -   Rideout: "Amokachi was the biggest pedant in football"   -   Pearce scores fixed penalty notice, makes shouty face   -   Warner Brothers buy movie rights to Benjani's "will he-won't he" Man City transfer saga   -   Stuart: "Amokachi's pedantry ruined aftermath of my Cup final winner"   -   Nuneaton boy, 15, has four Roeder tattoos   -   Gerry Francis: "Had an accident at work?"   -   More ex-colleagues rue Amokachi's pedantry   -   BBC warns Lawrenson: "STOP IT"   -   Robbie Earle: "I worry I'm shrinking" -   -   Amokachi: "So what if I'm a pedant? Why can't more people focus on my beret-wearing Cup Final celebrations?" !BREACKER NEWS! Tim says Clarkson is "dead wrong" about new Vauxhall 

Parry admits "I don't know which is Hicks and which is Gillett"  -   World Ades Day sees Mutu, Akinbiyi, back in spotlight   -   Sven: "Shinawatra? More like Shit-awatra"   -   Lyon striker Fred enjoys pint and roast dinner   -   Åge Fjørtoft: "I'm backing Hilary"   -   Monaco ejected from French league and forced to play against themselves 16 times a year   -  Paul Sturrock completes spherical appearance   -   Summer job at La Senza secured by Mbo Mpenza   -   Gazza: "I'll fight Tyson"   -   Leeds deducted three points for every game they win: must draw to stay up   -   Jesper Olsen fights on for custody of twins   -   Tragic turn for Motson   -   Big Ron: "Desailly isn't lazy"   -   "Kinky" Kinkladze was sexually conservative says Frostrup  -   !BREACKER NEWS! New tests confirm Tim still allergic to penicillin  

Cech to wear Cudicini mask for remainder of season  -   Minto: "Show me the 9/11 proof"   -   Public enquiry begins into Port Vale's "geographically baffling" name   -   Tom Hanks' Villa credentials under fire   -   Crouch: "Robot dance was my Sgt Pepper"   -   Almunia and Lehmann settle their differences over a friendly game of Uno   -   Rennie blames cheap whistle for match without a free-kick   -   "Boom Boom Boom! Let me hear you" says Weah   -   Stoichkov golden boot mystery solved by "meddling kids"   -   Liverpool commit the most "average" fouls in Premier League according to YouGov poll   -   King Adora team up with Jamie Cureton for charity   -   McCarthy in hot water over "dangerous" hand gestures   -   Lestor Piggott claims Swindon is run by "pricks"   -   Martinez: "Swans promotion finally puts to bed ‘ugly duckling’ bullying of club’s early years"   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim asks PC World assistant why printers are so cheap, but printer cartridges so expensive?  

Zimbabwe give Ndlovu casting vote  -   Higuita, Valderrama, Rincon arrive in West End for opening night of Gol 94! A Soccer Musical   -   Souness "Hates" French football   -   Le Tissier: "Saints must win title before they sink into Channel"   -   Cristiano Ronaldo wakes up, realises it was all a dream   -   Motson "sitting up in bed telling jokes"   -   Owen probably approaching another goalscoring record   -   Fowler hit hard by property market slowdown   -   Worry over FIFA plans to outlaw throw-ins   -   Ormerod parking fine fiasco reaches High Court   -   Lineker quips to be exhibited at Tate Modern this autumn   -   More smallpox trouble in Isthmian League   -   Norwich's "yard of ale" culture has to end to guarantee Championship survival   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim delighted with improved fit of new tracksuit bottoms  

Hell for Eastwood as MP moves in next door  -   Hansen’s kids "can’t win anything" at school sports day   -   Kuqi loses long, brave battle with career in professional football   -   Stoke promotion bid halted by UK Arts Council   -   Bobby Moore Wembley statue fire: Day 14   -   Prince Harry: Johnstone’s Paint Trophy is "a joke"   -   Is Tony Slattery the real brains behind Wenger?   -   Six Hereford players "in tears" after accidental exposure to fans’ internet criticism   -   Standard Liege voted Europe’s most boring club by Mixmag readers   -   Kilmarnock-Charlton merge rumours "pure fantasy"   -   Hasselbaink allowed to wear trainers when defending corners   -  Andrew Cole: "Call me Andy again"   -   Anders Limpar: "Keep calling me Anders"  -  Scientists abandon Peschisolido experiments   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim asks Mandaric politely for better-fitting tracksuit bottoms  

Man Utd's 00/01 title rescinded after public deem it "least memorable" -  New Dawkins book to debunk Manager of the Month curse  -  Lampard : "Don’t compare me to Mendonca... yet"  -   Babylon Zoo confirmed for Swiss Euro '08 anthem -   Barwick tells Morecambe "increase population or lose league status"   -   Lennart Johanson: "I sung Champions League theme and I want it back"  -  New 5th official will refer to clapometer in contested decisions  -  Fears grow for Motson  -  Blogger reveals "institutionalised banter" in Shrimpers dressing room   -  Spink: "I’m coming up / so you better get this party started"   -   Scudamore "discovers" new Premier League team during Dubai factfinding mission   -  Cash-strapped Rotherham sell points to boost Leeds play-off bid   -  Tottenham Boo Boys steal Chimbonda's house   -  Wenger: Walcott is "second coming of Jesus Christ"   -   !BREACKER NEWS! Tim has awkward conversation with Holloway after forgetting to read his BBC column