Which football shirt manufacturer are you?

Football kits were first invented in 1879 so players could easily pick out team-mates and not confuse them with the opposition or the mud. However, these days you can’t walk down a high street without seeing a young fan sporting replica goalkeeper shorts or away stockings. This development wouldn’t have happened without the foundation raft of non-profit charities called kit manufacturers, but which would you be? Take this test to find out.

1. You have won a contract to produce the new shirt for the Dutch national team. What are your plans?

a) A kit so pared-down and refined that it is in fact invisible to the human eye. This emperor’s new shirt salutes the best of Dutch culture and the fine tailoring of Amsterdam’s high-end clog boutiques.
b) Insta-weaved clima-plucked waffle-ironed fabric made using the tears of baby pandas and hi-tech cotton which hasn’t been invented yet. The colour orange, a very impressive advert and a nice big tick.
c) More colours! Stripes! Stripes on the stripes! Zig-zags on the sleeve! Old school collars, and a v-neck! This is going to be BRILLIANT!
d) Head down to JJB and buy a job lot of anything that has orange in it.

2. You’re questioned about the inspirations for your newest design, how do you respond?

a) Classic Brutalist design, austere minimalism, expensive bespoke suits and the work of composer Philip Glass.
b) The technology which powers modern spacecraft and the tireless and dedicated workforce of Taiwan.
c) The Britpop genre of music, the art of Damien Hirst, the television show TFI Friday, the politics of young go-getter Tony Blair and the death of Princess Diana.
d) The team’s always played in this colour.

3. Sophisticated new technology allows you to sublimate an image into the fabric of your shirt. What do you choose?

a) A subtle but sophisticated repeated pattern of crosses designed by the ghost of Gianni Versace. One day this will be framed as a piece of modern art.
b) Your logo, as many times as possible.
c) Ohmygod, AWESOME! A picture of the ground the team play at, the names of all their mega players and arrows that all point in different directions.
d) Nothing, it sounds expensive.

4. There is a meeting to discuss the recommended retail price of your new Manchester City shirt. What do you decide upon?

a) £49.99
b) £49.99
c) £49.99
d) £49.99

Mostly As: You are style-merchants Umbro. Beautiful, sterile, immaculate, perfect.
Mostly Bs: You are earth-straddling megabrand juggernaut Nike. One day you will rule all of sport.
Mostly Cs: You are over-elaborate 90s throwback Pony. You have seen better times.
Mostly Ds: You are an in-house club-run manufacturer. Gutted.
A,B,B,A: You are a popular Swedish group of the 1970s.
A mix of all four: Go fuck yourself.

Which football shirt manufacturer are you?

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