Too Many Crooks - The Autobiography of Ian Crook

After beating off The Sun in a vicious bidding war, The Gaffer is proud to announce our serialisation of Ian Crook's autobiography, 'Too Many Crooks'. The ex-Norwich hero's book promises to lift the lid on a tumultuous career, and a much-anticipated chapter will unveil "John Deehan and me". This week, Ian reveals all about Chris Sutton's record breaking £5m move to Blackburn

When you've made it, you've made it. That's what I thought as I stood backstage at the National Indoor Arena in Birmingham, sharing a joke with Noel Edmonds and Anneka Rice after the whole City squad were invited to watch the filming of Gladiators.

We were still pretty in demand on the celeb circuit a year or so after our famous European exploits, and I had to pinch myself as Edmonds told gag after gag about what really went on behind the scenes in Crinkly Bottom. Even if you suffer the aggro of relegation to Endsleigh Division One just a couple of years later, it's moments like that which you really treasure.

The lads were enjoying some banter and a few free bevvies. I was content with half a lager top. It was about the time that the continental types were beginning to harp on about diet and physical conditioning, and we had a big game against the Tractor Boys on Sunday, live on ITV Anglia, no less.

Gossy always said that he brought continental flair to Carrow Road on account of being born in Cyprus, and as far as he was concerned looking after your body consisted of a post-match back-rub from the missus and always insisting on R White's when it comes to vodka and lemonade.

Being a plonker as usual, he had John 'Polsten Hils' Polston in a headlock, and was trying to force him to eat a Double Decker, which is pretty standard for Gossy after a couple of Tetley's early-doors.

Meanwhile, the two Ians (Culverhouse and Butterworth) were winding up Shadow, fresh off the Duel platform, by challenging him to a succession of staring competitions. Culvers and then Butters would act as referee, but refuse to acknowledge blinks by the other.

As you can imagine, Shadow was pretty cheesed-off that he kept losing, and at one point I was forced to stifle a chuckle just as I took a swig of my Carling Black Label and lemonade, which forced lager up my nose and brought a look of disdain from Edmonds. You could tell he was a real pro.

I rescued the situation with a joke about how I doubted Anneka had ever taken on a challenge as stiff as Rob Newman (who's not gay) from behind. She didn't look too pleased, but I acknowledged Edmonds' smirk and raised him a belly laugh. It was at that point several security guards came running over in a bit of a lather, and for half a moment I honestly thought I was going to get chucked out for sexual harassment.

Turned out I needn't have worried, as it was Shadow they were looking to restrain. Culvers tells it better than me, but apparently Bryan Gunn, as ever a stickler for the rules, had wandered over to watch the two Ians giving Shadow the run-around, before stepping in to suggest that he might "inject a bit of fair play into proceedings".

For reasons known only to him upstairs, Shadow went mental with his pugil stick and landed one on Gunny, who hit the deck sharper than Robert Fleck after a weak challenge in the box. To be honest, I laughed my a*se off. After all those years of running towards the goal and pretending to head-butt the crossbar before kick-off, he'd only gone and got himself concussed in an inadvertent tangle with one of the deadliest weapons known to man!

To cap it all, we had to spend the rest of the afternoon in A&E (meaning I missed the opportunity to pump Edmonds for some House Party comps) before catching the 19.32 from Liverpool Street to Ipswich via Manningtree.

The next day, with five minutes remaining and a not-to-be-sniffed-at Portman Road point in the offing, Rob Ullathorne knocked a back-pass in Gunny's direction, only for Gunny to produce concussed miss-kick that Ade Akinbiyi would have been proud of.

Needless to say Megsy was livid. But no-one really cared and he got the sack soon after.

Next time spills the dirt on Spencer Prior calling Darren Eadie a "cocky sh*t" for scoring a brace against Wolves.