A Week in the Life of Kevin Nolan

Monday:

Got woken up at 7am by Ricardo (Vaz Te) telling me that GMTV had a technical error and had gone off air for a couple of minutes! I called Joey-O (Joey O’Brien) and we have a good laugh, because Joey is a massive GMTV fan and is always banging on about how professionally produced the programme is. Ricardo gives me a lift to training in his Peugeot 406 Estate before heading down the M62 where he's in the middle of a two month loan spell at Hull.

I don't get to see Ricardo as much these days, and although he wants to make his loan move permanent I've told him that he's tied into an 18 month contract and will have to carry on paying me rent even after he's moved out, which he agrees wouldn't be a financially viable career move. At the training ground the gaffer gets us to recreate the goal we almost scored against Wigan on Saturday. This takes a couple of hours, because Camp-O (Ivan Campo) keeps forgetting the correct celebration. I have some chicken for lunch with a bit of brown rice and then head home to play with my rabbits (Kevin and Nolan).

Tuesday:

I call in sick to training today so I can watch the 4th season of Lost round at Teymo’s (Andranik Teymourian). I feel a bit guilty but then I find out that training was cancelled anyway because Kevin Davies forgot to bring in the cones. He is such an idiot! Teymo popped down the petrol station halfway through the second DVD and brought me back 12 Lion bars when I only asked for one! He is such an idiot. His English is still really bad.

Wednesday:

Meggers (the gaffer – Gary Megson) gives me a lift to Manchester for the big game at Old Trafford, but stupidly he has already offered six other players a lift! As Meggers is only on a rolling contract he still has to drive his old Seat Ibiza. After much squabbling I tell Grzegorz Rasiak to get in the boot and have to break the news to Gavin McCann that he is the least important player, so has to stay in Bolton. This is one of the tough decisions a captain has to make, but I promise Gavin that he’ll be in the squad for the Man City game on Saturday, and he soon perks up when I get the whole squad to sign his new copy of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 for the Xbox 360.

The game goes really well on the pitch and we only lose 2-0. I don’t score but I’m probably man of the match. It’s these sorts of performances that will get me into the next England squad.

Thursday:

Training was four hours today because we had to re-create both our best chances from last night. Unfortunately the Greek guy who almost scored our winner was busy so we got Daniel Braaten to try to score his goal – but he’s nowhere near as good as the Greek guy and so it took ages. Daniel Braaten is a questionable buy. He bleached my away socks as a prank even though he knows that I hate pranks. I’m surprised he came to a top club like Bolton because he really is shit. I’ve heard he wants my number four shirt but I spoke to the gaffer and he told me that Daniel isn’t having it.

Friday:

No training today because Kev Davies forgot the cones again. Thankfully the gaffer has now taken him off cone duties and given that job to El-Hadji Diouf because he is really careful in looking after his own possessions. El-Hadji is such a good player that he usually trains on his own with a ball in a bag on a string. Some of the things he can do with a ball in a bag on a string defy belief.

Saturday:

Joey-O stays over at my place on match days so we can leave early to get to the game. At 12pm we’re halfway down the motorway in my new Smartcar when Joey-O tells me he’s forgot his boots. I then have to turn around and go to the Trafford Centre 60 miles away because my mate Terry from school works at JJB Sports and gives me a 50% discount. Joey-O has to buy some Nike boots which is quite embarrassing as he has a sponsorship deal with New Balance. We bump into Kev Davies in the shop – he’s forgot his kit, and has to wait 20 minutes to get his name and number printed.

We eventually get to the ground with 10 minutes to spare before kick off and we draw 0-0. The gaffer is real happy. He says if we keep playing like that we’ll be pushing for the top four. It’s a brilliant day for Man City too, and it’s great for their fans that they can be playing against massive clubs like Bolton at the top level.

Sunday:

One of my rabbits Nolan was really unwell today so I took it round to Didi Hamann’s house because he used to work near a farm. Even though Didi was only at Bolton for 40 minutes last season, me and him hit it off really well as we’re both into snooker. Didi tells me that I should stop feeding my rabbits bacon but I just laugh at him.

In the evening Me, Didi, Ricardo, Joey-O, Teymo, and my celebrity snooker pal Nigel Bond go and watch my favourite band Scouting For Girls at the Manchester Apollo. Kevin Kilbane is there with his traveller family and we tease him about the Wigan result from way up in the expensive seats. I only have a couple of bottles of Carling C2 at the gig in case I have to go training tomorrow morning, though the gaffer says he may call it off because Danny Guthrie’s sister is getting married.