A Week in the Life of Kevin Nolan - An inside look at pre-season

Monday:

My agent Cathy's a top bird and because she's a woman she knows zero about football, so I can get away with paying her a lot less than I would a bloke. But she is a bit keen sometimes. I've only been back from my hols for one day and already she's on the blower asking for a meeting regarding a new shinpads deal. Unlike most agents she's not out to rip me off, and manages to balance my needs with those of Manchester pop trio Cleopatra who she tells me are the UK's third most successful black female pop trio of the last 20 years, after Misteeq and Honeyz (Eternal don't count as they had four members with various racial backgrounds for much of the period). Despite Cleopatra being very sought after on the university nightclub circuit, Cathy tells me that I'm her number one priority which is exactly what I want to hear, and almost certainly true.

In the afternoon I head to Comet with Ricardo (Vaz Te) to purchase a toaster. The internet might be able to beat Comet for prices but they never will beat it for friendly and informative customer service.

Tuesday:

I meet up with Cathy at the Vodka Revolution bar in Bolton and we discuss shinpads over a jug of Reef shandy and a fancy Panini (which is the Italian equivalent of pizza). Cath tells me that Uhlsport are putting £50,000 on the table if I wear their Andy Johnson Pros range. Naturally I'm not having any of it, and ask why I should wear pads endorsed by a player who I'm a lot better than? When she tells me it's the rubbish Andy Johnson who played for Norwich and West Brom I'm livid, and the final straw is when I find out the pads are green and eco friendly.

She says the other deal on the table is £100,000 over 10 years from Sondico. I tell her I won't be playing in 10 years, but part of the deal means I will still have to wear the pads when I'm retired (though only on matchdays). At the end of the day this isn't a problem as they're dark black so I'll still be able to get into nightclubs, though the bulk may pose a problem when wearing fashionable tight trousers.

Wednesday:

It's 9:30 am and I've got to get up for the first pre-season training session. It's an absolute nightmare getting up this early, but if I'm to win the gaffer's trophy for best timekeeping for the third season running then I can't afford to waste the morning watching Cash in the Attic or The Jeremy Kyle Show. Ricardo drops me off at the ground but I'm not even the first there as this new bloke Elmander is already keeping close control of a ball in a bag on a string. He gives me a dirty look but I'm not intimidated by him, even if he has played in the Champions League Qualifying rounds.

The dressing room is a bit quieter now that Camp-o (Ivan Campo) has moved on. It also smells a bit nicer since Guffers (Danny Guthrie) left. I will miss those guys, though I'm sure they understand it how hard it would be to play first team football when you've got a midfielder of my unquestionable ability at the club.

Thursday:

It's a beautiful summer’s day in Bolton and Big Kev pops round in his Smartcar before driving us over to Chadderton where we're opening a new branch of Wickes. Since myself and Kev became the faces of Wickes in 2004 we've opened 19 branches across the North West. Today offers another opportunity for us to pose with stepladders and have a bit of banter with the regional manager Neville, who's a season ticket holder at Burnley and once appeared in an episode of British medical drama The Royal

In the afternoon I head over to Granada Studios where I'm filming for ITV2's Top 100 RomComs programme. That filming is a right laugh, and I get to meet Sonia and Jenny Frost (Atomic Kitten) who are also contributing to the show. Admittedly I didn't know half the films but I did describe Love Actually as "cracking" and Maid in Manhattan as "classic Lopez". That's two grand in the bank today and I didn't even kick a ball! Result!

Friday:

Back in training today and the gaffer takes us through some new set pieces that we're going to try in tomorrow's friendly at Harrogate Town. These include a lobbed free kick to the far post, a lobbed free kick just beyond the far post and a lobbed ball into the mixer. We also practise long throw-ins and seeing who can kick the ball furthest. Fabrice Muamba can't kick it very far but can kick in a straight line. Most of the other players can kick a ball a long way but not in a straight line. I think it's fair to say Fabrice will add a new dimension to the team next season.

Saturday:

The coach draws into Harrogate and people are lining a section of the High Street. Reminds me of footage from the second world war when all the British soldiers got waved at by French people. The mayor of Harrogate said on the local news that it's the biggest match held in the town since a Rugby League Challenge cup replay against Widnes over nine years ago. This is quite ironic as it's probably the smallest and least important match I've played in for over nine years!

Big Kev is still hammered after a massive Wetherspoons session last night (12 glasses of wine with Guinness chasers), but it doesn't stop him from bagging a brace. One of the part-timers tries to swap shirts with me at the end of the game but I'm having none of it. What am I going to do with a sweaty shirt from an unremarkable amateur football player? By anyone's standards, it'll be worth nothing.

Sunday:

I invite some of the lads round my gaffe including snooker legend Nigel Bond for a few Coronas and an On The Buses marathon. I've been a massive fan of the show since Gregorz Rasiak introduced me to it (apparently it's bigger than the Spice Girls in Poland). That character Blakey absolutely cracks me up with his moaning! I was proper guffawing! Bondy reckons it's not as funny as Terry & June but then he always was a massive June Whitfield fan. Apparently it's because she looked like his nan who died when he was young.

Ricardo stays up late to finish off the housework. He can put some shelves up for me in the morning as a consequence of not paying the rent on time. I need to get an early bedtime so I can beat Elmander to training, though the gaffer says it might be cancelled if his daughter has to collect her AS-Level results.