A Week in the Life of Kevin Nolan - Summer Holidays

Monday:

Woke up at 5am and went into Ricardo's room to wake him up, typically he's only gone and wet the bed with excitement. Last time he did that was the night before Charlton away the season before last, but at least that was in a Travelodge. I tell him to clean it up and charge him an extra week's rent. Ten minutes later and the idiot's trying to wipe the sheets with a tennis racket because he's already packed all his towels for the holiday.

A couple of hours later we meet all the lads at the Yates's in Manchester Airport. Dunney (Richard Dunne) loves a good prank and manages to slip a Super Soaker into Stephen Ireland's bag. Naturally the airport security are having none of it, and even though it's bright green and filled with Fanta they say it poses a security threat and stop Stevie from getting on the plane. Naturally the lad is devastated, but he does have the last laugh.

When Dunney opens his suitcase in Costa Brava he finds all his clothes have been removed and his bag is filled with Horlicks and Ovaltine. Obviously Stevie switched the bags over at the airport, and it's even funnier knowing how much Dunney hates warm malt-based drinks. Big Kev (Kevin Davies) finds it all hilarious but then he hasn't yet discovered that I've swapped his dinghy for a tent.

Tuesday:

We all pop down to the pool except for Bondy (snooker player Nigel Bond) who's gone off to find a snooker table. That man lives and breathes snooker so it's no surprise he's currently ranked number 23 in the world. He also reached the final of the Hong Kong Open in 1997 but he's very modest about his success.

Big Kev introduces us to a drinking game called 'Norks!' – Basically every time we see a pair of tits we have to shout "Norks!" and down a pint. It's a proper laugh and by midday we're all completely leathered cos there's so many women about! Thankfully Big Kev packed a couple of crates of Carling, and although it's dead warm at least I won't get drink poisoning from the dodgy Spanish lager. San Miguel? Sounds more like a sleazy waiter than a pint.

In the evening we head to the local nightclub to find some birds. At midnight I whack out a grand in €50 notes to give to the DJ and ask him to play the new Wombats album, though in the end we settle on the Arctic Monkeys for €750. Proper indie music, and the fit English girls love it! Later one of the youth team boys we've brought along to drive the golf buggies throws up over some bird from Oldham, but when I tell her he's a footballer she soon lets him tongue her.

Wednesday:

We get up in the afternoon and head down to the beach to soak up some rays. Big Kev refuses to admit defeat and tries floating on his tent but it's never going to work, everyone knows tents don't float. Ricardo keeps referring to 'doggy paddling' as 'doggy style' so all the lads rip the mick out of him. His parents back in Portugal couldn't afford to send him to school so he says some dead silly things!

I get so drunk in the evening that I pass out under a table. When I wake up a few hours later I've got a Germany shirt on! The lads are in stitches because they know how much I despise the Germans but I soon lighten the mood with a few quality Hitler impersonations like the ones that Freddie Starr does. Top bloke!

Thursday:

Wake up to find Stevie (Steven Ireland) knocking on the French doors, he says he's driven all the way from Manchester to get here. He tells a proper mental story about how he hitched a lift on Enya's tourbus but we don't believe him. Thankfully Stevie soon patches things up with Dunney after the laughs at the airport with the watergun, and before you know it the lads are messing about by the pool sharing a Carling and having a game of head tennis.

After waiting for Stevie to get off the phone to his girlfriend we all head out on the pull. Ricardo gets his teeth into a right munter. "What do you expect if you can't speak English properly?" I tell him when he moans about it later. He just laughs and then drops his shorts! Now that's funny wherever you come from!

Friday:

After putting on our 'Pro footballers and snooker player on tour' T-shirts we head to the town centre for a big session. The town's a bit small and crap, like a worse version of Stockport but with palm trees and fitties. Eventually we manage to find an Irish bar and Dunney is soon knocking back the Guinness, managing 2 pints filled with KP salted nuts in just 16 minutes. Absolutely quality!

By 6pm we've knocked back 400 quid's worth of booze and the barman says we're the biggest drinkers he's had since the cast of London's Burning had a lads' holiday 12 years ago. Big Kev's done six Barcadi Breezers; four glasses of red wine; three blue Aftershocks chasers; and nine pints of British lager, which ranks as his best effort since that time in the Sugar Lounge when he outdrunk both Gary Lucy from The Bill (big drinker despite having a girl's name) and Rich from Hard-Fi (absolute top bloke). Legend!

Saturday:

Today's got 'big golf day' written all over it, so we all head down to the course giving several atomic wedgies to the youth team boys on the way. On the tee Big Kev starts the jokes nice and early by sticking a 3 wood down his pants and dancing about the par four 1st. Every bogey is met with a beer and by the 14th hole we're all absolutely bladdered.

Big Kev takes things a bit too far by sinking a poo from 18 inches into the final hole. "Crap course" he says, all deadpan. It was funny as hell and then I piped up with "at least you didn't do it in your golf bag, then you'd have had a shit sandwedge!" Stitches, absolute stitches!

Sunday:

Me and the lads went to church.