A Week in the Life of Kevin Nolan

Monday:

Wake up on Jussi Jääskawotshisname's sofa at 10am wearing nothing but me undies and a sock on my head. Bloody Stelios has only gone and taken a few funny photos of me to put on his Bebo profile! Jussi's celebrated his season-ending injury by buying a PS3 with Singstar and so he had a few of the boys round his gaff last night. Big Kev Davies bloody murdered Fallin' by Alicia Keys, but all the lads said that my version of Monster by The Automatic was probably the highlight of the evening (not including Stelios dropping his takeaway quiche on Ivan Campo's foot!). All the lads love going round to Jussi's place because he's got loads of proper neat gadgets like a Lucozade fridge and a bed shaped like a BMW. It makes some of the boys earning under £15k a week well jealous. Not me though.

Tuesday:

The Boss calls us in for training today even though it's raining. Ivan Campo has the lads in stitches by turning up in his swimming trunks, it's even funnier when you consider he once nearly drowned as a child. Out on the training pitch we have a 20 minute session of crab football, followed by five minutes of jogging on the spot and a game of musical statues to help us play the offside trap. I stop off at the Trafford Centre on the way home to catch an instore gig by The Hoosiers at Xavvi. They play both the hits and even a Scouting For Girls cover! I often wish I was teammates with Ray Parlour so I could sing that Hoosiers song at him for a laugh.

Wednesday:

Had a day off today so drove over to Liverpool to see the parents. Because I don't drive, I normally only get to see them twice a season (Liverpool and Everton away), but today I bagged a lift from Matty Taylor who wanted to come and see Brookside Close. Matty's left disappointed in the end because the Close didn't show up on his satnav. Treated my parents to lunch in the BHS restaurant which brought back all the memories of my 12th birthday party, and then we head over to the beauty salon where my sister works. Turns out the salon was shut for refurbishment, but I did have a good laugh with the builders. One of them shouted "On yer head, son!" and then put a hard hat on me! My dad cracked up.

Thursday:

Training was reduced to 20 minutes today because the gaffer had to scoot off to his chiropodist to get a corn removed. Got home at half 11 and watched 12 back to back episodes of light-hearted U.S. detective drama Monk. I like Monk's tactics, he reminds me a lot of Big Sam in the way he out thinks the opposition. I've often thought about being a detective but I'm too good at football to consider quitting. I should probably try and investigate why a team with players as good as me and Big Kev are still on the edge of the relegation zone, but if Gary Megson can't solve that mystery then I bet Adrian Monk couldn't either!

Friday:

Woke up early today because I had to hit the Reebok for a photoshoot with some Czechs. My agent sorted me out a great deal that sees me on the cover of one of the Czech Republic's biggest computer games: Petr Cech Soccer 2008. The Premiership is big business in Eastern Europe and I got to pose menacingly alongside Petr Cech and James McFadden with a football under me arm. If all goes well with my England career then I'm hopeful of one day having my own football game. I'd make sure it had proper flash graphics and a dead good indie soundtrack, and maybe with a cheat that allows me to play for Brazil.

Saturday:

Got woken up early by the team bus outside me house. Turns out I'd fallen asleep on the sofa while watching Quizcall for the second week running. The Gaffer looked fuming, but luckily my lateness was overshadowed by Danny Guthrie following through after farting halfway down the M6. Naturally all the lads had a good laugh, but the Gaffer saw it as a sign of weakness and dropped Guffers from the starting line up. The match was far from a classic despite me playing 90 minutes, and everyone thought it was dead harsh that we didn’t win, but as Meggers said afterwards Tottenham are one of the most successful sides in Europe, and if we win our home games we'll be alright.

Sunday:

Went round to Big Kev's house today to see how he's recovering from his hand injury, and brought him some milk. The big lad is obviously devastated because he can't make a cuppa with only his left hand and he has to play Virtua Fighter 4 on the PS2 using his toes. The Gaffer's asked us to compile a dossier on Sunderland for our next game so we play Football Manager on the PC for a few hours. Turns out Kenwyne Jones is not only big and strong up front, but has a surprisingly high rating for creativity, so we had better watch out. In the evening we settle down to watch a few Morgan Freeman films, and Big Kev bets me I can't fit 6 wagon wheels in my mouth at once. I win the bet but bite my tongue so training will probably be cancelled tomorrow.