A Week in the Life of Kevin Nolan

Monday:

So the season's been over a while and what with England not qualifying for the Euros it looks like I've got the whole summer to enjoy myself! I phoned up my mate Mikael Forsell for a laugh first thing and told him to enjoy life in The Championship now that he’s been relegated with Birmingham. I said he'd have to take a cut in wages or change his name to 'Mikael For Sale!' He had a bit of a laugh about the situation but I do think he’s genuinely gutted. Still, at least I gave it a few weeks.

In the evening I went to a swanky restaurant in Bolton for the end of season meal. The gaffer was feeling dead generous after getting a humongous bonus for keeping us up, so he bought each player a drink for every goal we scored over the season. Naturally, me and Big Kev were absolutely hammered but the Arab goalie was as sober as a doormat. Luckily for him Stelios tipped some Smirnoff in his lemonade and he was soon diving on the floor pretending he was still playing at Stamford Bridge. The lads were in stitches. In fact Big Kev was actually in stitches, because he injured his hand two weeks ago against West Ham.

Tuesday:

Been in talks with a major North West sports DVD distributor about releasing a best of Kevin Nolan DVD in time for next season. Because I've always been good at both football and maths (B at GCSE on the higher tier paper) I act as my own agent which allows me to get the best deal. Over a tasty ploughman's at the Droylsden branch of Harvester I negotiate a £8,000 payment and second hand Audi of my choice in exchange for giving my signed approval for the DVD, which will be available in 14 branches of Sam Goody and Music Zone across the North West.

The only tricky bit was the naming of the DVD. They wanted to call it Nolan - I’m in the Mood for Shooting which they told me is a play on the song I’m in the Mood for Dancing by The Nolans. I told the guy that I’m not even related to The Nolan sisters, and I prefer indie music anyway, and he backed down. In the end we settled upon my choice of Kev-incible! : The Greatest Hits of Kevin Goal-an (Nolan).

Wednesday:

Went down to Thomas Cook with 'Dunne & Dusted' – Manchester City’s Richard Dunne & Stephen Ireland. Stephen gets his name because he likes housework, but also because it sounds dead funny when he hangs around with Richard Dunne. The Man City lads get a decent Thomas Cook discount so we booked a two week self catering stay in Costa Brava for just a few hundred quid. For Ricardo (Vaz Te) it's going to be his first holiday without the parents so he's dead excited, though this has been tinged with some disappointment as he'll be out of contract by July so I might have to kick him out of my house.

Thursday:

Got up at two in the afternoon and had a Pizza Hut buffet with Ricardo in town before he headed off to training in Hull. Hull boss Phil Brown has decided not to give the players a summer break in preparation for next season in the Premiership. Some of the Hull boys I know are a bit gutted, but Ricardo is concentrating on the fact that he's got a season in the top flight to look forward to which should be really exciting for him, though when I say 'look forward to' I actually mean 'watch the entire season on Soccer Saturday.' Even so, given that he's not an international and he doesn't even have an English passport, he might as well enjoy it while he can.

In the evening I popped round to celebrity snooker star Nigel Bond’s house to shoot a few reds and drink a few Coronas. Turns out darts legend Ted 'The Count' Hankey was also at Bondy's house and was a pretty good snooker player. Despite the fame and fortune, Ted's a really sound, level-headed bloke, and he's even been known to arrive at darts tournaments via public transport. What a joker!

Friday:

Went into Boots to get some stuff for my holiday, suntan lotion, disposable camera, and stationary, that sort of thing. Bumped into Big Kev outside the doctors and he said he'd just got his malaria jab. You should have seen his face when I told him we were going to Costa Brava rather than Costa Rica! That sort of thing is typical of Big Kev, he probably thought we'd be staying at Paolo Wanchope's house! To be fair the big lad was a bit upset because he's already been to Spain this season (Atlético Madrid in the UEFA Cup), yet he soon cheered up when I bought him a Ginsters multipack and a Fanta. Apparently they don't sell Ginsters in Spain but Camp-o (Ivan Campo) told me they have a dish called pie-ella, which I imagine is some sort of girly pie. Probably full of vegetables.

Saturday:

Offered to help Dioufy out at a car boot sale in St Helens. The lad says he's moving to France because he misses his mate Anthony Le Tallec too much, so he needed to shift a load of his stuff to save on removal costs. I bought some crockery and a few board games off him plus a signed photo of Gérard Houllier all for under a fiver, bargain! I told him that if the move falls through I'll sell him his stuff back for a tenner. Dioufy's livid and spits in my face, though when I tell him I was joking he calms down and starts to smile. Typical Dioufy!

Sunday:

With everything packed I went off to pick up the T-shirts for the lads holiday, we've all got names and numbers on the back (I've got my number 4 like at Bolton). Snooker star Nigel Bond is the only non-professional footballer on the holiday so we got '147' on his back with 'Snooker Loopy' above it. To be honest I don't think he's ever hit a 147, he's more the type of player who'll hit a 40 or 50 break and play a quality safety shot. Tactical.

We didn't get Big Kev a shirt because he'd probably lose it so I spent the money I saved on a mankini for him! It's going to be a brilliant wind-up, he hates that sort of thing. Poor old Stevey Ireland had to tell his parents that there's still two games left in the season so that he could sneak off on holiday. Apparently they're really strict and usually make him stay at home and look after the family pigs during the summer. The only pigs he'll be seeing in Costa Brava are the ones he pulls in the nightclubs! Just don’t tell his girlfriend or 18 month-old son that.