Round Ups

Asia

It was another weekend of action packed, low-intensity soccer in the land of the scything run, as fans from all across east Asia formed orderly queues to watch the likes of Julian Joachim, Bjørn Tore Kvarme and the spirit of Alan Ball turn out in the Mega Super Hero Happy Friends Fun League!

Bidding to end their centuries-old quest for the honour of being referred to in the scrolls as ‘League Champions’, Hokaido John Fashanu remain well-placed near the top of the table after a resounding 4-1 victory over Ming United. However, following a stock market tumble, the result was later valued at closer to 2-1, with a warning to investors.

Across the Yellow Sea, What The Haiku? were penalised five Magic the Gathering points due to their late arrival for kick-off against the New Terracotta Warriors. Complaints that the Chinese junk they had booked to ferry them over to the mainland was, in fact, just a heap of rubbish were dismissed by league commissioner Dr Fu Manchu. In the event, Haiku? forward Peter Gabriel Clarke made good use of his Kokushu Dragon Spirit card to wrap up a convincing victory and condemn the Warriors to a fortnight trapped in the dungeon dimension.

Elsewhere, there was drama at newly-promoted Made in Taiwan, when their game with Tokyo 2000 was interrupted by a titanic struggle between substitutes Godzilla and Mothra. The game was subsequently abandoned amid allegations of doping from both sides.

That ‘no result’ threw a lifeline to struggling Pyingpyongyang, whose form had dipped dramatically since the sacking of Christian Gross for using too many emoticons in his text messages. New manager Monkey, who was born from an egg on a mountain top, saw his side pick up their first win of the season against People’s Republica and praised the returning Steve Froggatt, recently rebuilt by nanobots.

Bruce Lee’s My Home Boy will now be uneasily eyeing their drop-zone rivals, having themselves sold Froggatt for scrap metal during the pre-season transfer window.

And finally, in the postponed fixture between All Yokozuna XI and the Macau-based minnows, Macau Minnows, the pools panel awarded the result: NEON.

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