Round Ups

Australia

AustraliaG’day Poms. This week we take a trip down under to catch up on all the action from the Fosters A-League, which runs from the Australian Summer to the European Winter. The league, now in its seventh year, holds the current record for most goals scored while the rest of the world is asleep and comprises teams from Australia, New Zealand and some funny little islands forced to start football teams to avoid becoming French nuclear test sites.

Changes for the 2011 season including the “overweight ex-Liverpool player rule” and the controversial “koala ball” have lead to increased attendances. So it came as no surprise to see a sea of yellow cap-wearing rude schoolchildren with little understanding of the rules of football packed into The Tina Arena to watch defending champions Melbourne Identity down Nescafé Gold Coast Blend 1-0 with a rare strike from Vegemite-dodging defender Neil Ruddock.

Over in New South Wales last year’s runners up Sydney Poitier also played before a crowded house as 90s pop star Neil Finn joined the 12 other away supporters making the 160,000km journey from Western Australia to cheer on Tony Dorigo’s Perth Wind And Fire. The And Fire took a surprise early lead thanks to Torben Piechnik’s chest, but as is common in Australia the match was abandoned due to a bush fire and the result was decided by a fight between kangaroos dressed as footballs.

In the evening games Kookaborough and Wagga Wagga played out a soul-destroying stalemate but the action in Hobart was anything but shit with Castlemania and Cairns You Believe It Mate? sharing six red cards in a match uglier than Mark Bosnich’s nose. The game was originally supposed to be played in Queensland but was moved at short notice due to clashing with the Cairns Film Festival where leg-breaker cum actor Kevin Muscat was promoting his new animal buddy movie Wollongong & Benno.

It was a good call Muscat wasn’t on the pitch in Hobart as former Erinsborough High dropout Harry Kewell went on a two-footed tackling rampage leaving Cairns striker Rick Alesi in a coma made of grass, making him look like anything but a Vorderman. Despite this setback the away side had one last laugh more than you’d get from a Paul Hogan movie as Summer Beye – brother of Aston Villa defender Habib – popped up with a late winner from local bogan Alan Dingo’s corner.

Despite an expensive advertising campaign with the tagline ‘There’s nothing like Australia”, a short journey across the sea led us to the remarkably similar New Zealand for the weekend’s final matches where the Peter Jackson sponsored Orc-Land trounced all-female side Adeladies 8-0 in front of a club record crowd of 16,000 lambs at Zane Lowe’s farm. The defeat continues Adeladies ’poor form away from the Sheila’s Wheels Stadium but the win gave Orc-Land their second victory in 10 days after shocking Christchurch last week.

There were no surprises however in the weekend’s final match as Kiritekanawa – a team made up of Maoris and contestants from UK reality show Shipwrecked – were trounced 5-1 by Ayre’s Rocks!, who were formed in 2006 by members of The Vines and The Datsuns to cover their spiralling debts. Going into the penultimate round of games Rupert Murdoch owned NewsouthwalesInternational still lead the table on goal difference, but with Darwin Lose or Draw not playing until Monday the chase for The Amber Nectar goes on.

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