Cricket

As the Premier League’s players pack away their kit bags after another quiet season on the football circuit, a select few are donning the traditional garishly-coloured pyjamas of the landed gentry and making their way to packed cricket grounds around the country, in order to help make ends meet over the summer months.

In a nod to how popular the game Keats referred to as ‘football for the masses’ has now become, several hundred thousand spectators passed through the turnstiles at Hove, where Sussex Wish You Were Here entertained the Mumbai Redskins. The game began with a handful of byes, but the crowds soon returned to watch an in-form Peter Beagrie carve a toothless Redskins attack to all parts of the ground.

After batting for the best part of a fortnight, Beagrie retired bored only for the no-less-formidable Micky ‘Fire’ Hazard to come to the wicket. At this point Mumbai packed up their linseed oil and Pro Zone laptop in order to catch a chartered tuk-tuk from Gatwick, resulting in a 3-0 forfeiture which leaves them rooted to the bottom of the table, well adrift of Locomotive Kent.

Fans up at Lourdes saw Woolwich Arsenal’s Dennis Compton make a surprise comeback for the Middlesex Red’n'White Stripey Sox. Compton, 87, who had impressed during his 65th consecutive season at Highbury before being sidelined for the run-in with a gammy hip, was in sparkling form, delivering the ball from his customary wing-forward position wide of the crease to leave The Queen’s Berkshire in all sorts of trouble. However, a knee-high tackle from Liam Botham (wearing his dad’s lucky 1981 Scunthorpe United shirt) ended proceedings early, leaving the fans to get pissed-up and throw chairs at each other, as is customary.

Weather played a part in Ooh Arr Gloucestershire’s 5-2 aggregate victory over Llancashire Welsh, which keeps them firmly in the hunt for an Indian Premier League spot. New signing Hans Segers was on top form, keeping out everything that was thrown at him on a greasy surface, while former Llancashire favourite Phil Neville scored an unprecedented seven sixes in an over, despite playing his usual holding role, as the Pasties continued their recent run of good form. That result meant rivals S-S-S-Somerset C-C-C-CCC required a result away to Dickie Bird’s Barnsley, but Lee Trundle’s early missed run-out set the tone for their eventual defeat on penalties.

And in a treat for supporters who made the journey for Wrwckshr Yth’s fixture against the Trinidadian side Make Mine A Calypso, Brian Charles Lara and Dwight Eversley Yorke agreed to turn out for both sides in order to ensure proceedings ‘didn’t get boring. To frenzied chants of “Soca, Soca, Soca!” DE Yorke took the season’s first hat-trick, only for BC Lara to trump his opponent/team-mate by bowling himself out.

Thereafter the crowd were treated to a trick-filled goal fest, which was only brought to a close when Yorke realised he had left his Rustlers quarter-pounder (nought to tasty in 70 seconds) in the microwave for almost two minutes. It is thought the Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum Stadium will be out of action for up to six months due to fire damage.

Cricket

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