Round Ups

France

Eiffel TowerThe latest rrrround of French football got underway this week, accompanied by the traditional half time pastries and café au lait. Things were just as tasty on the pitch, with big wins for the likes of Zizou Zazzle, Leyton Lorient and Gay Paris.

The undoubted match of le day came in Bordeaux, where a full-bodied and fruity performance from the Vintage Reds was served up alongside a medium-rare display of attacking intent from the normally standoffish Franck Leboeuf & Frites. Critics said both sides complemented each other delightfully on their way to a mouth-watering 3-3 draw, and awarded the fixture its first Michelin star.

In the capital, Gay Paris – whose revolutionary manage a trois backroom set-up of head coach Stephane Guivarc’h, assistant Bernard Lama and executive director (riffs) Johnny Hallyday has caused a stir even among liberal stadium goers – stuck four past Le Pen et Pals, who don’t like it up ‘em. Fans chanted Paris’s song Yes We Can-Can and French kissed each other long into the night.

Elsewhere, table-toppers Zizou Zazzle took advantage of Vichy Clichy’s outdated Maginot backline to run out emphatic 5-1 winners at Stade de Stadium, prompting a record low on the terraces of shrugged shoulders and instances of people saying “bof”.

Leyton Lorient, sponsored by Barry Hearn’s new leisurewear range Le Cockney Sportif, comfortably outscored mid-table rivals L’Equipey-Uppy, who were accused of displaying unacceptably low levels of arrogance going into the match. On-loan Dexter Blackstock scored a hat-trick in the 3-2 win, which his team-mates celebrated by making him eat something really disgusting cooked in goose fat.

Elsewhere, Olympique Leon, managed by Jean Reno, coldly dispatched Let Them Eat Cake and it was Clouseau but no cigar for Les Pink Panthers, who also lost 1-0 against FC General De Goal.

In the south, there was disappointment for fans of Don’t Want Toulouse and Battiston-and-on after a dispute over goal bonuses meant their match had to be postponed. Philosophy periodical Sartre’s Left Foot questioned the internal paradox of strikers going on strike by refusing to strike, while supporters who had made the journey amused themselves by setting fire to the local banlieue.

That cancellation will mean extra work for the fixture ordinateur, but also means the FFF moves up three places in France’s bureaucratic league table.

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