Masters football

Masters football In a spectacle lapped up by literally two dozen fans at Wembley Arena, the 2010 Masters Championship was played out last weekend against a backdrop of light hooliganism, off-colour chanting and gasps at the asking price for a plastic cup of Fosters. This highlight of the sporting calender was brought to you – as ever – by Sky Sports 4.

Pre-tournament favourites Any Old Irons (a team of former West Ham players and market workers), were up against stiff opposition from Madchester Untied – with celebrity guest Sean Ryder in goal – and the Des Walker-led Owls About That?

Lawropool were the first side to progress, thanks to Jamie Redknapp’s ‘pundit pass’, despite losing all of their group games. They were joined by the Old Irons, who hammered all comers with a combination of fighting spirit and excellent bartering skills. In the end the standings were rendered somewhat meaningless due to Arsenal Tuesday Club’s backstage drinking competition with rivals Madchester, which ended with both teams retiring to the Merson’s Nose in Neasden for a session on the whisky cokes followed by some joyriding in a 1992 Rover estate.

In Group B, debutants Championship Manager Allstars won all three of their matches comfortably, delighting fans with repeated displays of the team’s trademark flashing text-based GOAL FOR CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER ALLSTARS!! celebration.

As a line-up featuring Luis Enrique, Ibrahima Bakayoko and Tommy Svindal Larsen ran riot, there were complaints from opposing teams – in particular Atkinson Villa, managed jointly by Ron and Dalian – about the Allstars’ habit of drawing dotted lines on the pitch to remind them where to make their runs, and their apparent ability to switch man-marking settings at the click of a button.

Those protests were dismissed by chief adjudicator Dame Graham Kelly, but the Allstars were subsequently forced to withdraw from the knockout stages when their 12-year-old manager was ordered by his mum to go to his room and do some homework.

Their place went to North London Cocks, whose captain Teddy Sheringham finished as the tournament’s leading scorer. He also successfully arranged a date with St John’s Ambulance volunteer Kelly to go with his four goals.

Sheringham and the famous first yard of pace in his mind could not prevent a 2-1 defeat to Lawropool in the semis. Victorious captain Mark Lawrenson was at his withering best when interviewed after the game, quipping: “I’d heard they passed it well but, you know what Gary, I think it would be more accurate to say they’re well past it.”

A kit clash in the other semi-final, between Any Old Irons and Atkinson Villa, meant that the winner was decided on the basis of which team had the lowest average golf handicap. Earl Barrett’s recent decision to fork out for lessons in the end made the difference, leaving the (five) Irons short of the green and the Villains with a shot at the trophy.

Fresh from their passive passage, Villa tore into a flagging Lawropool to record an emphatic 5-1 victory – thanks in part to a tired and emotional display from Alan Hansen, who could be heard repeatedly telling the referee that “nobody understands the offside law these days”, despite it not being applicable in indoor football. Sources close to the Liverpool great suggested the he had become disorientated after spending too long away from soft furnishings.

So, Villa claimed the title, although a day of family-friendly fun was marred when manager Big Ron was caught on camera booting his Afro-Caribbean namesake and co-coach off the podium, having become confused by the sight of a Kick It Out advertising hoarding at the side of the pitch.

Masters football

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