Russia

Russia round up main With the Russian Premier League heading into its final months before the traditional nuclear winter break, League Commissioner Comrade General Tapin has authorised this communiqué from behind the defensive Iron Wall. NB. All league positions are subject to end-of-season perestroika, with results “restructured” in accordance with socio-political and economic imperatives.

In Moscow, Bolshevik side October Revolution swept to a glorious victory over urban-Royalist mash-up act Tsar in the Hood, managed by Tinchy Stryder. Chants of “Red Army! Red Army!” filled the stadium as the Revolution put in a strong collectivist display, epitomised by recent recruit Darius Vassell, whose typically busy, non-goalscoring performance was praised by state organs across the country.

The 4-1 victory was only secured after the Tsars had taken an early lead, forcing Revolution to retreat into their own area and wait for the onset of the second half. Buoyed by a populist uprising in the stands (which was possibly just a Mexican wave), Revolution fought back tenaciously, led by ageing sniper/striker Vasily Zaytsev, who fired in an equaliser and then set up Rohan Ricketts for the second goal. The veteran Antonin Panenka also chipped in with a brace.

That result meant league leaders, Krispy Kremlin, had to record a win against Cyrillic side Цыриллиц Сиде to maintain their advantage in the polls. They did so comfortably, leading to several groups of fans – giddy on their hard-won democratic freedoms – firing Kalishnikovs into the night sky above Red Square, while singing ‘Back in the USSR’ and downing vodka jelly shots.

At the Aleksandr Mostovoi Stadium in Volgogogograd, Ra-Ra Rasputin moved closer to qualification for the Eurovision Song Contest after miraculously surviving multiple attempts on their goal in a 1-0 win over satnav-sponsored Tom-Tomsk. Rasputin looked certain to concede on several occasions but their defence was seemingly unbreachable, the ball bouncing back off post and bar, the prone form of the goalkeeper (who had been felled by a marksman in the stands), and a stray dancing bear.

Ironically, despite the global-positioning technology at their disposal, Tom-Tomsk were unable to navigate a successful route to goal, leaving Rasputin to complete their comeback from the near-dead thanks to Oleg Salenko’s late winner.

In the Siberian city of Irkutsk – known as the Bolton of the east – authorities were called to investigate an alleged security incident after Lokomotive Train were accused of spying by the home side, 100 Years in the Gulag. Trailing 3-0 at half-time Gulag turned their fury on a suspicious can of Deep Heat, which it was claimed housed up to two spooks and came equipped with a surface-to-air missile capability. Politburo officials are expected the deliver their report, in secret, within the next 3-5 years.

The ongoing dispute, coupled with BLART Borodino picking up three points at Spartak Sputnik, means Gulag slip into the relegation places. BLART, who were founded by former tractor factory workers, have been criticised for their agricultural playing style but beat Sputnik thanks to a balletic move finished off by the evergreen Nijinsky.

Elsewhere, KGBCG drew with the struggling Napoleon’s Folly, while James Bond Villain invoked the new breakaway territory rules to claim victory over renegade South Ossetian outfit, Nigel Quashie-Autonomous Region. Defeat for NQAR increases the pressure on manager Georgi Kinkladze, who is the new bookies’ favourite in the Cossack race.

Russia

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