Round Ups

Samba-based shocks in South America

South AmericaBuenos dias amigos Ingleses!

It’s been another week of chaotic crowd scenes, backhanders and multiple stepovers in America del Sud, as the continent-wide Copa Especial del Presidente entered the fourth round, except in Paraguay, which remains at a complete standstill due to mudslides and a dysfunctional national electrical grid.

In Argentina it was steaks all round as Le Mano de Dios tangoed their way to a muy bueno 3-0 victory over Los Campesinos. The World Bank and IMF later upgraded the score to 7-2 to take into account the country’s spiralling interest rates.

Le Mano will travel to guerrilla-controlled territory in Amazonian Colombia to face FC FARC in the next round. FARC survived US air strikes to defeat Medellin Cartel in a tense encounter marred by three drug-related drive-by shootings and an disappointing live performance from songstress Shakira at half time.

A drunk farmer was blamed for the delayed kick off in Peru between coastal team Nada Surf and Manu Chao Wanderers, whose lyrical football has been described by Western critics as ‘perfectly capturing the itinerant spirit’. It took six hours for barefoot local children to clear the pitch of a herd of Alpacas before Nada edged through 3-2 under moonlight.

A female American backpacker in attendance later e-mailed college friends to say it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, that she’d send them photos tomorrow morning, and that she just felt so free and spiritual among the Peruvian people.

Elsewhere, top Brazilian beach football outfit Her Name Is Rio trounced Bossa Nova 15-8 in front of a bikini and thong clad audience on the Copacabana. Rio have drawn Venezuelan giants Caliente Caracas in the next round.

Caliente squeezed past Kinder Bueno 3-2 in a game postponed from the week before while Hugo Chavez addressed the nation for 96 hours straight on the subject of Western imperialism and the importance of good hygiene.

As The Gaffer went to press, all results from Bolivia had yet to be confirmed due to problems with the country’’s only 64k dial-up internet connection in La Paz. In the standout unconfirmed result Morales Morales were expected to see off the challenge of recently formed Nuevo Equipo Villalobos, thanks to the president’s backing and the promise of state aid.

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