Round Ups

Schools

The 124th Flora School’s Football Cup kicked off this weekend, as 40 schools from up and down the country competed at Walsall Metropolitan University for a chance to lift the only trophy in Britain made entirely from jelly.

Despite the prize on offer, there were no wobbles from King Mohammed III School in Birmingham who breezed through their opening game 6-0 against The Paul McCartney Performing Arts College of Liverpool, who received a record 12 bookings for playacting.

The game, dubbed as ‘Mecca vs Macca’ by antagonistic parents, failed to live up to the pre-match hype, particularly as The King Mohammed kept preying on some awful play from Paul McCartney’s wings.

In the same group Hogwarts Academy from Hackney (formerly the failing June Sarpong College, whose new name was voted for by students) thrashed Pink Floyd High of Tunbridge Wells (formerly Tunbridge Wells Grammar, whose new name was voted for by parents) 5-1, with goals from ‘Hecktikzz’, ‘Jus B Merkin U’ and a hat-trick from 15-year-old ‘Botox Stryder’, real name Kevin Dawkins.

Pink Floyd High’s consolation was some justice for 18-year-old Cuthbert Hendersby-Bannockburn who had been bullied all match by the opposition, both for the small font on the back of his shirt and the fact he was probably a virgin.

Progress was much slower for Belfast-based special needs school The James Nesbitt Learning Centre who only turned up with nine players after two students got cold feet due to the pressure of playing in front of a small crowd. After a slow start JNLC were ripped apart by first-time entrants Nelly’s Country Grammar, a Hertfordshire boarding school set up by the US rap star to house the sons of American hip hop acts while touring Britain.

First half goals by Lil’ Wayne and Lil’ Bow Wow were added to after the interval with fine strikes by Wee Diddy, and the impressive Snoop Puppy who was hustling the opposition defence all day long.

In the group’s other game Brighton’s famously liberal sixth form art college Drug Induced High played out a goalless draw with London/Liverpool-based Grange Hill, whose attack just said ‘no’ when offered gaps in the opposition’s spaced-out defence.

Elsewhere there was a surprise win for Madness singer Suggs, who offered to step in after the last minute decision by Marlborough College to withdraw and take a school trip to The Gambia. Despite the obvious numerical advantage (and the fact he was wearing baggy trousers rather than shorts), Suggs (real name Graham McPherson) was joined on three points by other triumphant schools including East London state school Mind Your Beeswax Comprehensive, the esteemed Southampton athletics academy Corpus Linford Christie and Paris college USA High whose matches formerly featured on Channel 5.

The one sour note of the afternoon came in the day’s final match as Mancunian Catholic school Saints snd Greavsie started what spectators described as a ‘mass’ brawl with the Protestant Dutch college Van Der School over their antagonistic orange kit.

The Protestant school argued against the game being aborted, and eventually the match was moved to a pitch at the local cemetery, after both teams agreed the match should only be played on religious grounds.

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