Round Ups

The Middle East

Oil pump mainAs-salam alaykum from the 2011 Arab League, which has reached the halfway point of the season. Traditionally the league runs from the new year to Ramadan, leading to numerous exciting conclusions, particularly in 1997 when each team only managed one match before celebrity guest Omar Sharif started wailing from a minaret to signal Al-Murray winning their fourth title on goal difference.

Today the oil-rich league is more exciting than ever as top overseas professionals like Colin Hendry, Keith Gillespie, Gazza and Eric Djemba-Djemba light up the division with their relentless efforts to win silverware for teams they grew up supporting.

In the UAE, frontrunners Al-Ivehurtmefinger unveiled new signing Matthew Etherington before a sell-out all male crowd of 120,000 prior to their home match against Babylon Zoo. The 800,000 dirham a week Cornish maestro didn’t disappoint as he set up both goals for Eusebio in a 2-0 victory.

A few deserts away in Dubai, oil-rich Abu-Dhabi County and oil-rich Say Hello Wave Dubai played out an entertaining local derby in a half finished stadium, Branko Strupar grabbing the winning goal for County.

This weekend saw more goals than democracy in Saudi Arabia, where the match between oil-rich Funky Cold Medina and oil-rich Kuwait N’ Sea ended early when – with the petrol-mad Saudis leading 5-0 – a woman was spotted within a mile of the ground. After the woman’s execution officials discovered she was actually a man on his way home from a panto in Riyadh. Medina were docked 3 points and their players given 50 lashings of ginger ale against their will.

Different problems affected players in Bahrain as Chris Tarrant’s Manaman and Sheik N’Vac’s Al-Fresco battled temperate conditions in a dour goaless draw. Manaman’s troubles in front of goal were exacerbated after talisman Dalian Atkinson was jailed for six years for removing his shirt to celebrate last week’s injury time equaliser against Umm Bop, in a match delayed by sandstorms.

In football mad Oman – a country that renamed its capital after former Wolves midfielder Kevin Muscat – there were goals galore as Chris Hutchings’ Mecca Bingo made the long pilgrimage to the J2O Stadium to face Gulf Punk. Mecca’s 1.57bn global following were not too disappointed, with Nicky Banger and Mido bagging a brace each.

This followed the controversial disappearance of Oman-based ‘keeper Hans Segers during a 6th minute corner in a case that Amnesty International are now investigating. The win moves Mecca out of the relegation zone and raises Hutchings’ hopes of not having his hands cut off at the request of King Abdullah.

In the weekend’s final game FIFA President Sepp Blatter was spotted watching Qatar & Hove Albion from a throne made of gold surrounded by six very attractive women. Albion, who accidentally took their name from English club Gillingham, made light work of their match against the league’s bottom team, Eric Clapton’s Electric Qatar, with top scorer Al-An Lee (formerly known to Ipswich and Palace fans as Alan Lee) scoring only his second hatrick since primary school.

With just eight games left to go and only $160bn seperating top from bottom, this season could well end up being the most exciting year for supporters since 2001.

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