Round Ups

USA! USA! USA!

US Minor League soccer returns this Saturday, as America’s equivalent to the Championship waves goodbye to Spring Break and says ‘howdy there’ to Score Summer. For the sophomore year running the league provides no promotion or relegation, so that rivalries and player familiarity can grow. Joe Max-Moore who managed last season’s Lalas Trophy winners Milwaukee Offside expects another tough season full of goals, cheerleaders and extra time penalties.

“To be fair, I think when you look at how far we’ve come in just 12 months, then shit looks real promising. We’ve had four figure attendances, three clubs gaining sponsors and of course the arrival of Jonathan Greening. I mean just over a fucking year ago soccer was outlawed in Nebraska, and nowadays you’ve got Bright Eyes (Nerbraska native musician) singing songs about The Omaha Playmakers. Awe-some!”

This season two extra clubs have been added the roster and hope to follow in the footsteps of the Playmakers. New Orleans Crimewave and Oklahoma City Bombing have squads just 16 men deep, yet with the addition of experienced European pros Bjarne Goldbæk and Paul Devlin respectively, they’ll be hoping to make a real primary season impact.

Crimewave faces a tough opening day road trip to the Kings of Leon stadium where they’ll face the d-e-f-e-n-c-e friendly Memphis 5-4-1, while the Bombing open at Rehab Arena against the Eric Wynalda-owned Fort Worth Electric Chair. The Chair was the league’s top scorers last season thanks in main to hometown hero Randy Carbunkle who hit 12 overtime strikes, seven of which came in one game against the disappointing Kentucky Fried Kickin’ who finished bottom of the league with a poultry 6 points.

A few thousand miles down the road, kick-off weekend sees the league’s fiercest rivals renewing acquaintances as the Charlotte Webs and Charleston Athletic do battle at Tom Berenger Park in the hope of replicating their incredible 7-7 scoreline from June last Fall. But Athletic will have to do without big money scoremaker Dago, who bagged a double hat-trick score in the 7-7 overtime tie, as he has moved eastwards to Italia Duo side Piacenza, where he will end his career in a car crash.

Athletic hopes to improve on low turnstile turnover by bussing in British fans from nowhere-nearby town Orlando, a move which has angered Busch Gardens Town manager Tina Arena, brother of former national coach Bruce, and the first gender minority manager in the league. Arena claims Athletic are gouging their way through her side’s fanbase, and has accused her opposite number Kobe Wayne Gacy Jr III of being a ‘total jag-off’.

Arena would do well to focus on the Gardens Town’s first match, as debut season runners-up Indianapolis Score Interactive heads to Florida ready to take full advantage of the controversial ‘two goalkeepers rule’. This lead to them breaking the US domestic soccer record for clean sheets in one season last campaign, a record set by Talahassee Landswamp in the 1953/54 season of the Southern Negro And Women’s League.

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