Ask Gary Mabbutt

“I experimented with cricket and liked it. What does that make me?”

Hi readers, Gary Mabutt of Spurs and England here. I went through some tough times when I was a footballer, whether it was my habit of forgettting to push up after clearing a corner or my squeaky little voice, people always had a bone to pick with me. I always rose above it though and came out a stronger person (where are you now Thorstvedt, eh? EH? You Norweigan ponce!), and I’d like you to all do the same.

So, who’s first up with a problem that needs solving?

Dear Uncle Gary,
I’m an established wing back and I’ve played football all my life with plenty of clubs, but after accidentally switching on a televised cricket match last weekend I found, to my disgust, that I quite liked it and kept watching. I told myself that I was just curious, and that it shows how comfortable I am with my own sport that I can enjoy alternative ones sometimes. But as I continued to watch I became increasingly excited by Michael Vaughan’s attacking field placings and then I found myself applauding a well hit cover-drive for four. I knew then I’d crossed a line.
I’m repulsed with myself, but I keep replaying the afternoon over in my mind, and I’ve even started thinking of my “experiment” when playing football. Last week one of the lads wore a batsman’s box to training as a prank and to my shame, when the other boys were busy boasting about the length of their throw-in, I went to the toilets and secretly tried it on.
I’ve never told anyone this before, but one summer when I was about eight my uncle would come up to my room late at night and try to teach me off-spin bowling. Do you think this has anything to do with these new, confusing feelings?
Frightened, Teeside

Mabbutt says: I think deep down every player occasionally wonders what life would be like with another sport. Although it’s not the sort of thing that can be discussed in the macho world of the dressing room, lots of players privately experiment with other sports behind closed doors, and I think you’d be surprised with some of the members lists in private cricket clubs up and down the country.

I can only imagine how traumatic your experience with your uncle must have been for you as a child, and I would strongly advise you to talk to a professional as soon as possible about this. Try my old pal Justin Edinburgh’s advice line “Am I a secret wicket keeper?” on 0800 552 3258. Whatever the outcome from fully exploring your feelings on this subject, just remember, like being unable to eat a Crunchie without blacking out, it doesn’t make you any less of a man.

Dear Uncle Gary,
I couldn’t be happier with my current team mates, every aspect of our game is perfect, except one. We can string passes together for hours and have happily stayed up all night in the past just practising short corners, but when it comes to the business of putting the ball where it counts something just doesn’t click between us, it’s got to the point where I’m having to fake my goal celebrations to spare their feelings.
With previous teams I’d look forward to scoring, and when I wasn’t doing it I’d be thinking about the next one. These days nothing is further from my mind, but my teammates don’t seem to notice anything is wrong and I feel it would be cruel for me to tell them that I’m not enjoying our goals. We’ve got a big holiday lined up next week and I’m worried my teammates will want to be scoring loads of goals. What should I do?
Andriy, West Brompton

Mabbutt says: I know it’s hard Andriy, but the only thing you can do here is be honest with your teammates. Goals are a really important part of any team, and if all-round play is as good as you say, you should be able to come clean and admit that your goal-life isn’t up to scratch. Perhaps a few misplaced passes will alert your teammates that something is amiss?

If it’s too difficult to be honest with them immediately, perhaps you should get comfortable scoring alone. You could also have a lot of fun exploring with football toys such as cones or bibs, and really get to know what works for you when goalscoring.

One thing is for sure, you need to act now, because unhappy goalscoring is as dangerous for a team in the long run as an abnormally high level of glucose in the bloodstream is for me.

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