Ask Gary Mabbutt

“I’m getting non-stop stick for my attitude to women”

Changing roomHallo there, Mabbo here. It’s been a busy old time, what with the coalition cuts hitting everyone where it hurts, but luckily I’m still around to do my bit for the ‘big society’. It goes without saying that footballers have problems just like the rest of us, even though people think that because they’re rich, talented, successful and in-demand, someone like Jermaine Jenas won’t get teased for having a small head. Well, I can tell you that he does, and it’s a big issue for him.

Anyway, I’ve borrowed a pair of my old mate Erik Thorstvedt’s gloves – time to save a few souls.

Dear Uncle Gary,
Recently we had a female lino at one of our games, which of course made for a lot of banter in the dressing room. However, since I commented that the offside law isn’t really that complicated and women should be just as able to understand it as men, I’ve been getting non-stop stick from the lads.

As I’m quite new to the first team, I just want to fit in. Should I abandon my views on equality and learn a few time of the month jokes,  or am I right about giving the birds a break?
M. Kelly, Melwood

Mabbutt says: Society has changed and we shouldn’t be afraid to be a little less macho about women in football. The game’s moved on from the 80s, when birds were banned from the stands on match days and wives and girlfriends were required to attend end of season awards and charity golf drives topless.

That said, as I was discussing with my good friends Richard Keys and Andy Gray a few weeks ago, a bit of harmless banter is the lifeblood of the game.  As Andy put it, “If she looks good in black, she can blow my whistle” – and I think that’s just the attitude the game needs nowadays.

I know the dressing room can be an unforgiving environment (I was ribbed mercilessly by the Spurs boys for weeks when I let slip that I was partial to Mike Flowers Pops), so here’s a little piece of ammunition to help keep your team-mates onside:

Q. Why can’t women run the line?

A. Because that’s where they hang the washing.

I found that one on the forum of a diabetes website but I think you’ll agree there’s nothing sugar free about it! Do me a favour, though, and don’t let Kath know I told it to you. She’d kill me.

Dear Uncle Gary,
Until recently I had been flirting with a club, exchanging numbers (signing on, net income) and everything seemed to going well. Suddenly, they’ve gone cold on me and stopped returning my faxes. I thought we could have had something really special together … Have I missed my window?
Niko, Seven Sisters

Mabbut says: The short answer is “yes”, Niko. It closed last week.

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