Ask Gary Mabbutt

“I’ve never gone all the way in the Premier League”

Premier League goalSometimes, readers, you have to stand up and face your problems like a man. If that sounds a bit frightening, however, there are many professional football counsellors such as myself to offer support and advice. As we used to say at Spurs: “A problem shared is a point won”.

Let’s get out the magic sponge and take a look at today’s walking wounded.

Dear Uncle Gary,
I’ve recently turned 18 and have just started to play regularly for the first team. The trouble is, most of the lads are regular scorers and they’ve started to tease me about the fact I’ve never gone all the way in a Premier League fixture.

I’m hoping that I get an opportunity to score soon but I’m nervous about celebrating. The boys have told me I should just go wild and get it over with, let the adrenaline take hold – but I want my first time to be meaningful. I’d like to form a real connection with the crowd, look deep into their eyes and delight them with my moves.

Should I be working on my technique in advance? I know that I’m young and the fans won’t be expecting fireworks but I don’t want to mess things up and for it to be all over in seconds. Please help.
Little Jack, Islington

Mabbutt says: It seems to me that players are scoring their first goals younger and younger these days. The subject was taboo on training grounds in the 80s, and I didn’t ‘seal the deal’ until I’d been on several trips to the opposition area to watch how it was done. By then I was nearly 24, which was considered not bad for a squeaky-voiced centre-back with an insulin habit.

My advice is to wait for an opportunity to celebrate with a crowd you trust, preferably in a familiar environment. Everyone says that it means more to score in front of your home fans, and it’s true – they are far less likely point and laugh when you take your shirt off, or yell things like, “Oi Mabbutt, you virgin, own goals don’t count!”

Whenever that special moment arrives be sure that you celebrate responsibly and try not to get too carried away. As the sad examples of Stan Collymore and infamous dogger Tony Cottee testify, prolific scoring – like being accidently served full-fat Coke when you asked for Diet – can have serious consequences for your health.

Dear Uncle Gary,
Although I’ve been in a stable relationship with my manager for some time, he has begun to lash out when results don’t go his way. I love playing for him and always try my best in matches to keep him happy but when he loses his temper I fear for my safety.

Last weekend, after saying that my backpasses were inadequate in front of the rest of the team, he called me into his office for the full hairdryer treatment – then he hit me with it. I’ve had to wear dark glasses to hide the bruising, even though it’s nearly November and they make it difficult to win headers at set-pieces.

I want to speak out but I’m afraid that if I go to the authorities they will believe my manager’s word rather than mine. The situation is getting worse and there are only so many times that I can tell friends I tripped over a stack of cones at training. What should I do?
Protestant Jonny, Manchester

Mabbutt says: Changing room violence is a problem many footballers have to confront. When Gerry Francis took over at Spurs in 1994, he tried to demonstrate his authority by slapping me in the face after I had questioned his use of a permanent marker to write on the whiteboard. I was right to stand up to him, of course – although that didn’t stop ‘Ian Wanker’ remaining in goal for the next six months, no matter how hard we tried to scrub it off.

Your local PFA representative should be trained in how to deal with managerial abuse but if that doesn’t help, why not go and see my old mate David Howells, who runs a class called Self-Defence on the Training Ground in Stoke Newington? I’m sure that your manager really does care about you, my Anglican friend, he probably just has deep-seated emotional problems – and not even a cup of sugar-free hot chocolate can help deal with those!

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