Ask Gary Mabbutt

“My new club’s traumatic past”

MK DonsHi there, Gary Mabbutt here, Britain’s foremost diabetic centre-back/sweeper and semi-professional agony uncle. I’ve met some troubled people in my time, but I have always done my best to help them out. For instance, just 17 years ago I received the FA Cup from a regal young blonde lady and her large-eared husband who were going through a tough spell at the time.

After I’d finished celebrating with Pat Van Den Hauwe, she took me aside and said she thought her husband was having an affair with a very ugly woman. I told her to stick with it, and if it didn’t work out to take some time away, perhaps to Paris. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? I don’t know exactly how it turned out, but I can say for certain that those two are no longer trapped in a loveless life.

Anyway, enough reminiscing, who is Uncle Gary’s first visitor this week?

Dear Uncle Gary,
I have recently become involved with a new football club and, while it is exciting to be starting a relationship, the club has had a difficult past and has a lot of baggage. More worryingly I am being asked to look after 22 players that aren’t even mine. I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I left my last long-term club in the late Nineties and a lot has changed. Back then I was a strict disciplinarian with my players and I kept them in line, but now with all this political correctness I am not allowed to make them do laps or even hit them when they misbehave in training.

Just last week I tried to tell off one troublesome player, let’s call him Joey B, and he replied that he wouldn’t listen to me because ‘you’re not my real manager’. I worry that as much as I love my new club there is just too much to take on, the scars of previous managerial reigns have left them very paranoid and unable to commit. Should I stay and try to make things better or would it be best to look for a less attractive club with less baggage and history, such as MK Dons?
Smiling Joe, Gateshead

Mabbutt says: This is a tough situation Joe. Not many people know that after Terry Venables left us at Tottenham we had to put up with our chairman bringing home a string of ill-suited managers who would take the patriarchal role in our club. The worst was one dodgy Swiss guy who was obsessed with the London Underground, of all things.

If you really love your new club then I would suggest trying to make the best of it. Perhaps take Joey aside and tell him that while you may not be his biological manager, you want to be his friend and maybe spend a day doing some manager/player bonding. I certainly had more respect for Ossie Ardiles after he took us all to the zoo, bought me a sugar-free lollipop and called me ‘champ’.

Dear Uncle Gary,
After months of flirtatious texts and secret meetings in hotels, a striker I have been in love with for months has finally made the decision to leave his previous manager for me. However, now that we are finally able to appear in public together and banter about cones on the training ground without fear of being caught, the dynamic of our relationship has changed.

A lot of my best players seem jealous of my new striker and are worried that I won’t be able to spend time with them on the pitch now that he’s around. What’s more I’m not sure that I trust him. After all, he was happy to leave his previous manager for me, how do I know that he won’t do the same again when a more attractive proposition comes along? It’s all very well telling me he is happy to sign a five-year contract, but I know as well as he does that it will mean nothing if I walk in to find him discussing his role in the 4-5-1 formation with a more attractive foreign manager. Am I just being paranoid, or am I right not to trust him?
Sir Axel F, Alderley Edge

Mabbutt says: Paranoia can be a horrible mistress Sir, whether it is brought about by well-founded fears, or just a hint of imbalance of glucose in the bloodstream. When you have a new player it is always difficult to define the roles of your relationship. I remember when we signed Dean Austin at the Spurs. Yes, it was great being with him but I was never sure whether he would prefer to be with a captain who had more chance of winning silverware and a less squeaky voice.

If you truly distrust your new striker, why not assuage your fears by giving my old mate Paul Stewart a ring on 0800 552 3258? After his disappointing spell at Liverpool he realised he could combine his need for money with his new-found lack of public profile, and opened his own private investigation firm. He’s very good, and will be able to tell you within weeks if your new striker is secretly meeting foreign agents or just shopping for trendy clothes, games consoles, and personalised number plates after training each day.

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