Ask Gary Mabbutt

“Third party ownership might break my heart”

Hello readers – or should that be @readers? Yes, I’ve recently joined the Twitters, taking my football counselling service into the space age. You can follow me on @askmabbo (unfortunately @garymabbutt was already taken, though I’m not happy about some of the content they’re putting out – barely even proper sentences) and I’ll be answering tweets online every Thursday and Sunday at 7pm. Some might say that the twittersphere isn’t the place to be dealing with serious personal issues but I believe it helps us to be open about our problems, be they big or small – though preferably small in this case, as 140 characters really isn’t a lot to work with.

Anyway, let’s download this week’s zip file of woe.

Dear Uncle Gary,
I’ve been seeing a new lad for some time now, watching his performances on DVD, attending his matches, enjoying a few snatched words in the tunnel afterwards – there’s no use denying it, I really like him.

However, after making the first move, I’ve discovered that he has a contractual arrangement with a third party. I’d love to sign the boy up on a long-term deal with a generous goal bonus but I need things to be exclusive. If I were to find out that his performances were partially for the benefit of an agent or corporate rights holder, it would break my heart (and could lead to points being docked).

I’ve been down this road before and don’t want to get hurt again. Please help.
 Neil W, West London

Mabbutt says: These days, players come with all sorts of baggage. Of course, I always had to cart around a holdall with a supply of insulin, needles and the like – but if ever I needed a shot at half time after a wobbly 45 spent trying to work out which direction we were kicking in, Terry Venables was the only person I could trust. Terry and I had a very special bond and that was just something my wife Kath had to get used to.

The relationship between a player and his manager can be one of the most beautiful things in football but too often it is ruined by jealousy. Perhaps you and your target could spend a weekend in the Cotswolds, discussing your dating history? Tell him that you want to start going steady and you need him to be honest with you. If you haven’t both carved a legally binding agreement into the bark of a tree by the end of the trip, I’ll be very surprised.

Good luck!

Dear Uncle Gary,

After a recent match, I went into the referee’s changing room as usual to tell him that I thought he was a disgrace to the game. I really steamed in, no criticisms barred, but instead of waving me away or screaming “Shut it!” into my face, he apologised for any mistakes he had made and said that he always welcomed feedback.

He was so reasonable and eloquent that I was forced to confront my prejudices there and then. We exchanged numbers and have since started going to a football tactics book club together. Despite what everyone says, he’s not a wanker and I think there’s a lot he can teach me. He’s even promised to explain the offside law one day …

The lads are bound to disapprove when they find out – they think referees are somehow different to the rest of us. Should I try to educate them, or is the world not ready for our friendship?
Rio, Merksville

Mabbutt says: Society has always taught us to fear the “other”. I’ve had first-hand experience of this – and not just because of an inability to handle my sugar, or my daft squeaky voice. When I was offered a small but important role in The Queen’s Nose, I had to make sure I fully considered the consequences. I think that performance now speaks for itself as a game-changer in the world of children’s TV but at the time I had to put up with all sorts of stick, both in the changing room and from my kids.

In the long run, people came to accept the footballer-turned-actor and I’ve received many kind words from the likes of Mr Jones and Mr Cantona. Attitudes change and, in light of the FA’s successful Respect campaign, the climate may now be right for you and your friend in black to come out. Of course, you might have to put up with people ‘whistling’ you in the street … but that can’t be any worse than the away fans’ chant about me playing with children!

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