The Inside Man

Defoe’s got a secret in his shorts

Happy new year readers, and here’s to a 2009 filled with the sort of disgusting football gossip that you never thought you’d see outside of former Spurs boss David’s magazine: Plheat.

  • Nudge and a wink, there’s a rumour doing the rounds that Portsmouth are looking to offload striker Jermain Defore after he turned up to training with a penknife concealed in his shorts. Tony Adams famously battled a knife crime epidemic in his village during the mid-90s, but was so demoralised by the increasingly violent actions of local youths that he turned to drink. Defoe is keen on a move back to Spurs and former boss Harry Redknapp, who is known to passionately advocate stabbings as part of extreme team bonding exercises.
  • Take a look at the fax I received over the festive period from one of my most trusted sources: “Santa’s making a list, he’s agreed an asking price, gonna find out which interested club’s facilities are [the naughtiest and] nice[est], Santa Cruz is coming to Town! (or City, or United). Or, to put it another way: Roque’s ‘Rover and out’. Yes, you’ve guessed it, Roque Santa Cruz wants to leave Blackburn. (No, really!). – End transmission –”. Can you decode this cryptic message?
  • Step aside Goldenballs (David Beckham, for those not in the know), there’s a new kid in town. Young Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo is set to win the hearts of Old Trafford regulars, and rumour has it he actually has a “Ballon d’Or” of his own.
  • A wire tap inside the Newcastle manager’s office has revealed that Joe Kinnear is not the polite, well-mannered Cockney he appears to be. Kinnear’s vocabulary is actually bluer than that moon Manchester City fans are frequently singing about (and which I am led to believe may in fact be made out of a cheese-like substance). Not only that – he’s Irish too!
  • Regardless of all the talk, I can disclose that Roy Keane is happy in his position as Sunderland manager, and will not walk out on his club, despite a difficult campaign so far. However if Rafa Benitez continues to use him as a substitute, I’m told the fiery Irishman may opt to spend more time with his dogs – which means, if I’m not mistaken, that a shock move to Kennelworth Road could well be on.

THIS WEEK’S SWEATING, PAWING, TURGID, NOT-FOR-MOTHER’S-EYES GOSSIP: Which little Mickey, currently Owened by one of the big North East clubs, was spotted this week ‘goal hanging’ around the till of the WHSmith’s in toon, having parked his car (which doesn’t go as fast as it use to) in a disabled space? According to my spy, “he was picking up the latest edition of LFC magazine”. Now that’s not the way to get back into Fabio’s good books, is it Michael? (Owen).

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