The Inside Man

Gareth Bale can go far

Hello there. It’s been a tough old week for me but I’m back. All I’m saying is when I revealed South Korea were planning to attack North Korea I was referring to football and had no idea that it could lead to “a preemptive strike”. Still, good to know people read my column, hello Kim. Here’s this week’s off the record gossip:

  • Talking of left wingers Gareth Bale has been in fine form this season, enough to earn himself a place in the England side in my humble. Why has he not been included? My sources hinted he doesn’t have an English passport, which raises questions about how he got to Milan and back recently.
  • Wayne Rooney has finally returned to the scoresheet at Manchester United but it might be too late to earn him that new contract he has been desperate to sign.
  • Now under new ownership, Liverpool’s fans will be delighted to get rid of the unpopular American regime of the last few years. But will they be so happy when I reveal that the new owner John W Henry is not Scouse but from Boston? To give that some perspective I have checked my Ordance Survey and Anfield is over 100 miles from Lincolnshire.
  • With all the controversy over the World Cup hosting bid process I have heard Fifa may look to change the system to that of the Eurovision Song Contest, in which the winners of the previous year host next year’s bash. So, under the new system this would mean the right to host of the 2018 World Cup would be offered to the winners of 2017 Eurovision Song Contest.

THIS WEEK’S EAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, 3 FOR THE PRICE OF 2, PILE IT HIGH AND SELL IT LOW GOSSIP: Which wingback from the mid 90s Liverpool side has just found out that his wisdom teeth never grew through but doesn’t want anyone to find out as he thinks it is humiliating? Here’s a hint, there is Nor-way he’s from INGE-land, and he’s a bit of STIG of the dump and his favourite Abba tribute band is BJORN(ebye) Again. (NB It’s not Rob Jones).

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