The Inside Man

Rooney for Ireland? You heard it here first

Wotcha rumour fans, here’s the latest dose of scurrilous gossip I’ve received from my unrivalled network of sources, moles and other furry animals. This week’s whispers are so scandalous, I’m hiding out in my garage for a few days in case things turn nasty and we have a Brand/Ross situation on our hands. When I revealed the Bosman signing of Grimsby right-back Robbie Stockdale two years ago, things got so bad I holed myself up in my mother-in-law’s bungalow in Feltham for four months, eating nothing but Cup-A-Soup

  • My sources in the North East have hinted at a surprising transfer across the Manchester divide in the January transfer window. It seems Wayne Rooney, who is voluntarily bald, and involuntarily baldy Stephen Ireland are planning a swap deal involving their scalps and an as yet unnamed Norwegian reserve team player. The Norwegian player, it is believed, is looking to rid himself of an unsightly abundance of scrotal fluff
  • Whispers from Bolton suggest that their centre back, Gary Cahill, is considering changing his surname by deed poll. A close friend of the ex-Birmingham defender revealed that he is “sick and tired” of being asked whether he is related to Tim Cahill and is regularly teased to the point of tears on nights out by teammates and passers by who shout “Oi Gary, where’s your brother Tim?”. New surnames under consideration included Gahill, Arteta and Colussus
  • An intriguing fax from my showbiz confidant (who once bedded a 3am girl) claims that Steve Wigley, Les Reed, Chris Hutchings and Peter Taylor are to form a barbershop quartet and plan to release a single in time for Christmas. The group, who are in discussions with Damien Comolli regarding a Director of Harmonies role, are hoping to cover Cliff Richard’s Mistletoe and Wine
  • One from the missus, who’s been in my lughole all bloody afternoon: my holiday villa, in Marbella, is available for two weeks next August. If you’re interested, give Eileen a call on 07372948272. Say you’re a friend of Terry
  • THIS WEEK’S SICK, PRANK CALLING, LICENSE PAYER FUNDED GOSSIP: Justin Fashanu was gay.

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