Too Many Crooks

Chapter 10 – Wimpy

WimpyAfter beating off The Sun in a vicious bidding war, The Gaffer is proud to announce our serialisation of Ian Crook’s autobiography, ‘Too Many Crooks’. The ex-Norwich hero’s book promises to lift the lid on a tumultuous career, and a much-anticipated chapter will tell all about Robert Chase’s crippling tiddlywinks habit . This week, Ian recounts a PR opportunity gone wrong

As Spiderman once wrote, with great power comes great responsibility. The same applies to getting to the 3rd round of the Uefa Cup: before you know it you are a figurehead for the community and are called upon to help it thrive. And so it was no surprise that within weeks of dispatching Bayern Munich through the exit marked “second round exit” I had been asked to open not just one but two new branches of Wimpy in the Norfolk area. And a Happy Shopper.

It was a heady economic time, 1994, and Norwich was taking Major’s economic miracle and running it to the corner flag. There is a lot of rubbish written about the early 90s being a tough time, what with Black Wednesday and Britain’s expulsion from the European Exchange Rate Mechanism. I don’t know the figures but what I will say is I have never seen  the Norwich branch of MVC so busy on a Saturday afternoon. But this isn’t the place for me to talk politics. So let’s move on. Before I do though, all I will say is Maggie Thatcher is the best thing to ever happen to the country.

So there I find myself, in my Canaries shellsuit, ready to open a brand new Wimpy for the second time in a fortnight. We had a classic team for these events: me, Ruel Fox and Mr Wimpy. I contemplated turning the gig down, but who could say no to as many free knickerbocker glories as you can eat (six, on past experience)? The crowd was gathered in their tens and all I had to do was some keepy uppies before Mr Wimpy cut the ribbon and Ruel sampled a bender in a bun. What could go wrong?

I’ll tell you what could go wrong: I could lose control of the ball, stretch my weaker left peg to retrieve it, and only succeed in volleying it into the face of an unlucky young fan. He was a big fan too, and had been to every event Mr Wimpy had done in East Anglia, but that is by the by.

Four hours we spent in A&E (I felt I should go along, even though I’m with Bupa). Meanwhile, I knew Ruel was stuffing his face, the lucky git. It seemed to last forever, just sitting there in the waiting room, trying to take the kid’s mind off things by recreating Gossy’s goal at the Olympic Stadium with the other patients playing the outclassed Germans.

Once the nose had been reset I headed back to Wimpy only to find the whole event had been a PR disaster and I was public enemy number one. Not only was I not getting a free Brown Derby but I was off the Happy Shopper gig the following week. Instead they were getting in Ipswich’s John “Walk the” Wark. And there is no two ways about this, opening a local convenience store is publicity money cannot buy.

Needless to say the Gaffer was livid.

Next time Ian offers an impassioned defence of corporal punishment in schools …

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