Football Explained

Six-pointer

A six-pointer is a meaningless league fixture judged to be so dull that the Premier League double the points allocated to the winning side from the usual three, to six, in order to drum up some interest. This season Blackburn vs Tottenham, Derby vs Sunderland, Middlesbrough vs Wigan, and all matches involving Chelsea qualified for six-pointer status.

The exact equation used to decide on allocation of six-pointers has never been disclosed by the league, however it is suspected that teams conforming to any of the following traits are most likely to get a call from Richard Scudamore.

  • Regularly field more than one player in Makélélé role
  • Employ a manager who refuses to talk to the BBC (or in English)
  • Are not considered part of the Big Four, Small Five or Quite Large Three
  • Are sponsored by a company that the average reader of The Sun newspaper has never heard of
  • Stewart Downing

The goals scored in six-pointers are also worth double unless either team plays their “Nectar” card, in which case all bets are off and Bob Monkhouse Rules come into play, which is self-explanatory.

In the event of a draw the spare points are stored in a cupboard at Premier League headquarters until Christmas night, when they are reluctantly loaded onto on a sleigh by Premier League execs and delivered to impoverished non-league clubs as part of mandatory compliance with the FA’s Grass Roots at Crimbo scheme.

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