Where Are They Now?

Beckham’s mishap at France ‘98

1. David Beckham - Was assured at half time by Glenn Hoddle that he “would still go to heaven”, following his moment of madness. But at full time following England’s penalty loss, an angry Hoddle had changed his tune, informing Beckham that he would, after all, be damned to spending eternity burning in hell with the disabled. Beckham’s career and morale took a dramatic nosedive and despite marrying Hear’Say star Kym Marsh in 2001 in a desperate attempt to raise his profile, he was never heard from again

2. Kim Milton Nielsen – Accidentally fell asleep in a Danish hospital waiting room in 2003 when offering emotional support to Torben Piechnik who was having an ingrown toenail removed. When Nielsen woke up he was distraught to find out that full gender reassignment surgery had been mistakenly carried out. His mood turned from inconsolable despair to surprisingly chipper when it was pointed out he would not have to change his name

3. The France’98 Red Card – Failed to appear at Euro 2000 after a disastrous qualifying campaign. Fled to Morocco after being vilified by the French media, and is currently working part-time as a postcard in the costal town of Tangier

4. Gabriel Batistuta – Famously nodded his head so vigorously in agreement with the sending off that he severed his cervical spine causing a permanent dense paraplegia. Recently shrugged off his injury to play the part of Jesus Christ in popular children’s interactive e-book The Bible

5. Matías Almeyda – After crashing out to Dennis Bergkamp FC in the quarter-finals, most of the Argentinean squad chartered a small fishing trawler to sail home, only to come unstuck in the unforgiving Pacific Ocean. Most were lost at sea presumed dead but Almeyda swam 1,500 miles to the small Mexican mining town of San Luis Garcia where he runs an illegal Sega Dreamcast game bootlegging ring and answers to the name El Bosque Minúsculo (roughly translated, The Tiny Forest)

6. Diego Simeone – Following Beckham’s vicious attack, Simeone had his right knee totally amputated and the two remaining parts of his leg sewn back together to form a useless stiff stump. Despite this disability, Simeone is still one of the first names on the team sheet for Leatherhead and District Division Six side Effingham Old Boys

7. Paul Scholes - A sensitive man of extraordinarily low intelligence, Scholes was totally confused by the sequence of events which led to the sending off. He stood in the exact pose seen in this photo for 48 hours with a blank expressionless face until he was removed by ground staff and placed on display at Preston’s National Football Museum as a permanent monument to correct sendings off

8. Alan Shearer -Pursued a career in punditry but was laughed out of his Match of the Day interview after BBC bigwigs found Shearer ‘boring, monotonous, uninspired and with a complete lack of footballing insight’

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