Where Are They Now?

Manchester United 9 – 0 Ipswich Town

Manchester United largeOn 4th March 1995 George Burley’s Ipswich Town entered the red hot hellish all-seater cauldron of Old Trafford knowing that three points probably wouldn’t do anything to help them stay up. 105 minutes plus injury time later the club had succumbed to a record Premier League loss, which many fans blamed on having two Canadians in the side. United went on to finish 2nd in the league so the game never really mattered, except to Andy Cole who was briefly made to look competent in front of goal. The Gaffer looks back at that sensation day and asks where are they now?
 
1. Andy ‘Andrew’ Cole

Cole was initially sold by Newcastle as a makeweight in a £7m deal to take Keith Gillespie to St James’s Park as part of Freddie Shepherd’s attempts to break into the lucrative Northern Irish replica shirt market. Cole was signed just too late to vocalise on United’s 1994 breakthrough smash Come On You Reds so Ferguson promised to back his new striker’s fledgling rap career should he ever score five goals in a match. A man of his word, Ferguson ensured Cole would follow up his Old Trafford quint-strike with top 75 singles Outstanding, Cole As Ice and One in Three Striker – the latter a duet with Dwight Yorke. In 2000 Cole changed his name to Andrew after reading a book and eight years later retired from the game so he could finally complete Zelda: Ocarina of Time. He now lives in Lille with his stepson Joe and his Ipswich matchball.
 
2. Mark ‘Sparky’ Hughes

Legend has it that Mark ‘Sparky’ Hughes was signed by United after he did an excellent job rewiring Brian Kidd’s miniature railway. Sparky combined his trade with football over a successful 20 year career, but endured a difficult spell in Barcelona which he put down to the different size plug sockets found abroad. After bagging a quick fire brace against Ipswich, Hughes guided United to the 1995 FA Cup Final and remains second on the all-time list of Wembley appearances by Welsh people behind Katherine Jenkins. Hughes was later unsuccessfully sued by the band Feeder who claimed that the regular playing of their number 13 hit Feeling a Moment justified their inclusion on the rankings above Hughes. Now a manager at QPR, Hughes is best recognised for his no nonsense approach towards mid-table finishes and his joint business venture with agent Kia Joorabchian, which involves selling lower league clubs to scrap metal dealers.
 
3. Ryan Giggs

The Gaffer has been restricted from commenting on the career of Giggs.
 
4. Geraint ‘George’ Williams

One of the most Welsh footballers ever, Geraint Williams made over 200 appearances for Ipswich and remains the club’s joint top all-time Premier League goalscorer, matching Chris Kiwomya’s haul of three. Williams nearly missed out on the 9-0 drubbing after being placed on the transfer list two months earlier by George Burley. Rumours persisted that Williams had made a pass at Boncho Genchev’s sister during the annual Tractor Boys’ barn dance, and club messageboards pinned on village halls throughout Suffolk were rife with speculation. Genchev and Williams would make their peace on an Anglia Tonight special in May 1995 and a month later Bulgarian Genchev was deported. Williams would go on to manage Colchester, bringing the town it’s greatest success since AD 60 as they finished 10th in the Championship. He currently lives in Anglesley with his wife Angela and children Angel and Angus, who sadly suffer from angina.
 
5. Brian ‘Choccy’ McClair

McClair spent a staggering 11 years at United, during which time he and Gary Mabbutt were the only diabetics playing in England’s top flight. Despite having slightly more ability than Kingsley Black and slightly less ability than Gary Penrice, McClair ended his career with two Premier League winners medals and a chain of multi-story Belfast car parks which he won in a bet with Keith Gillespie. McClair retired in 1998 after the usual uneventful spell at Motherwell and joined United as a youth coach, helping bring through talented youngsters such as Ravel Morrison, Fabien Brandy and Adnan Ahmed. In his spare time McClair successfully graduated from the University of Govan with a degree in stag beetle management, going on to become a popular figure at stag beetle conventions. The numberplate of McClair’s Vauxhall Insignia reads STUG 1, though he hopes to one day get his hands on STAG 1 should it become available.

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