Where Are They Now?

Michael Thomas snatches the title at Anfield in 1989

Michael Thomas

“Thomas, charging through the midfield. Thomas, it’s up for grabs now …” Those were the words with which Brian Moore described the climax on that famous night, when Arsenal secured a valuable three points, as well as an extra +1 of crucial goal difference – the kind of game fans never forget. But what happened to the protagonists in Nick Hornby’s much-loved screenplay? The Gaffer finds out.

1. Michael Thomas
A notoriously morose fellow, Thomas was unable to deal with adulation heaped upon him after his goal at Anfield and therefore decided to move to the only place where everyone still hated him: Liverpool. Went on to play the role of Carlton Banks in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air before the unexpected failure of Police Academy XVII killed his acting career. His most recent venture is a seafood restaurant in Welwyn Garden City called Who’s Up for Crabs Now?

2. Steve Nicol
After Nicol’s bungled clearance allowed Thomas through to score, the defender was quickly snapped up to lead the new British invasion of the NASL. His fondness for paying in restaurants using only loose change resulted in the coining of the American phrase, ‘Nicol and dimed’ – which means ‘tight-arse Scot’. Ironically, Nicol always preferred to say candy rather than sweets.

3. Bruce Grobbelaar
Fondly remembered for his wobbly legs routine in the 1984 European Cup final, Grobbelaar’s next foray into ‘distraction goalkeeping’ was less successful. His reclining-on-a-chaise-longue stance failed to put Thomas off but the Zimbabwean refused to give up, establishing a School for the Goalkeeping Arts to cultivate eccentric young stoppers. Grobbelaar’s plans for a Cecil Rhodes theme park have yet to get off the ground.

4. Ronnie Whelan
Whelan couldn’t bear to make another slide tackle after that night and spent the final seven years of his career hoping the ball came nowhere near him. Insisting on being called Ronald after his retirement, as he decided it sounded more dignified, Whelan now lives a quiet life in Brize Norton breeding newts.

5. Alan Hansen
Tall, angular and smooth-skinned, Hansen quit football after becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the proliferation of moustaches at Liverpool. Became a dancer for Madonna on her Blonde Ambition world tour and subsequently modelled kilts for House of Fraser. More recently, Hansen made an unlikely bid to be cast as Harry Potter in the successful film franchise but, despite the convenient scar on his forehead, was turned down for what was described as his “terrible pretending”.

6. Perry Groves
After ‘larging’ his way through the 80s and 90s, Groves settled down to become Head of Banter at Sky Sports and these days writes the scripts for popular Soccer Saturday character Paul Merson.

7. Ray Houghton
Invented the roly-poly at World Cup 94. Now plays the part of Raymond Stantz in a Ghostbusters tribute act based out of Preston.

8. David Rocastle
Is still visible in the distance, if you squint.

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