Which Are You?

606 Hosts

On its own Marconi’s radio is good for little other than inter-police communication or regular access to Estelle’s American Girl. Yet when it was combined with Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone something special happened – the football phone-in was born, allowing goal-hungry fans up and down the country to vent their spleen over issues as varied as that barmy Droyslden cup run and whether Ronaldo is better than Oceans 11. Luckily you don’t need a degree in counselling to converse over the airwaves with the great unwashed – just a job at Television Centre and a friendly woman to read out some texts. So why not answer these questions to find out just which BBC 5Live football phone-in presenter you’ve only gone and been a bit like?

John from Manchester calls up and wishes to chat about the management set-up at Rochdale. He thinks Keith Hill should move upstairs to a Director of Football role. You:

a) Cut him off! Quick! You don’t even know where Rochdale is, and certainly weren’t aware they have a real football team. Berate your producer for allowing a call that doesn’t concern David Beckham’s age or the price of pies at Stamford Bridge.

b) Are chuffed to bits, you bloody love Rochdale and are more than happy to spend 20 minutes discussing that penalty that wasn’t given in November’s away match at Chesterfield. Put down that hipflask and stop slurring your words – this is your idea of real football!

c) Are never one to admit being out of your depth and quickly scour a league table and make a throwaway comment about Rochdale’s goals conceded column. Cut the caller off and make a connection between football and Celebrity Fame Academy. Bloody hell, Rochdale are worse than Rowland Rivron singing Benny & The Jets

The BBC invites you along to Wembley, to witness the FA Trophy final between Torquay and Ebbsfleet, and host a special non-league phone-in after the game. You:

a) Politely decline. Checking your MySpace calendar reveals you’re DJing at the Sweet Female Attitude album launch in Portsmouth, and you’ve already accepted a lift from JK & Joel.

b) Tell your producer “no thanks.” Wembley? You’ll be at Harrow Borough vs Wealdstone at the Earlsmead stadium in the Isthmian League, and you’ll be bringing your boots just in case either team has an injury crisis.

c) Tell them you’ll go on the condition that you get to sing Everybody Needs Somebody dressed as a Blues Brother during the half time interval. Failing that you get to have a stab at the national anthem.

An irate David from Port Talbot is ranting live on air, telling you that you’re shit at your job and he wants own goal and gaffe reveller Danny Baker to take your place. You:

a) Hastily try and change the subject, asking David whether Gerrard and Lampard can work in tandem. Bloody hell, you think to yourself, you really have got your finger on the nation’s pulse.

b) Tell David to fuck off. After playing in 14,000 league career matches you’re not willing to take any shit from an upstart former coalminer. You ask David has he scored a playoff final winner. Well has he? HAS HE?

c) Respond to David by singing a Ratpack medley, then ask him if Danny Baker could do that. You then list a few of the current Everton squad and tell him an anecdote about a funny train journey to watch Hibernian in order to prove that you love football.

So which are you?

Mostly As: Check you out, you’re gramophone mixmaster and cutlery namesake DJ Spoony.

Mostly Bs: Pull your socks down and knock back a cheeky whisky, you’re Steve Claridge, football’s incorrect answer to Phil Tufnell.

Mostly Cs: Comfortable in either a suit or a smart shirt, you’re laid back linkman and semi-pro crooner Ray Stubbs (or Stubbsy to your mate Carlton Palmer).

A mixture of answers: You’re some hybrid of the above three, probably. Didn’t really plan for this eventuality.

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