Which Are You?

Facial hair

Chris KamaraWinter’s upon us, and with the credit crunch forcing men to spend money once reserved for shaving products on rudimentary mining tools, there’s never been a better time to sport some natty facial hair. The world of football, as always, is the first place to look for current fashion trends. The question is though, which beard best suits your visage? The following quiz, though tedious, should help.

You’re trying to look wise in a post-match interview after your new Brazilian right-back-cum-wing-back makes an impressive overlapping run on his debut. Do you:

a) Rub your furry top lip in between your thumb and fingers.

b) Delicately manipulate and twist a small lock of hair protruding from your chin.

c) Repeatedly pinch and slap your cheeks before the interview, to give off a warm, ruddy, knowledgeable glow.

It’s an FA Cup Third Round replay away to Scunthorpe, and the referee reports the match can go ahead despite the temperature having dropped to below freezing. Would you rather:

a) Be cold on 80% of your face.

b) Be cold on 70% of your face.

c) Furiously chew gum to warm your cheeks.

Accompanying your wife home after a slap-up meal in the club canteen, a fan from a rival team disparages you with a vicious, unnecessarily loud rebuke. Would you prefer it to be:

a) Oi! Mate! Magnum PI just called, he wants his face back!

b) Oi! Mate! An ageing Eurotrash lothario just called. He wants his head back!

c) Oi! Mate! A beetroot just called. It wants its cheeks back. You big cunt!

So, hopefully you’ve been writing down your answers. Razors at the ready (for faces not wrists, obviously).

Mostly As: The Phil Brown/Sam Allardyce/Phil Scolari ‘tache. Classy, dependable. But watch out for crumbs and parasites.

Mostly Bs: The Benitez Goatee. Debonair, exotic. You may be mistaken for someone foreign.

Mostly Cs: Trick answer, the Sir Alex Ferguson shine – you’re best suited to no hair at all. Keep drinking and you’ll get the ruddy Highlands glow in no time.

One of each: Some kind of patchy Gary Neville effort probably.

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