Which Are You?

Interminable transfer sagas

Much like the players of Derby County we’ve all spent the summer months wishing we could be involved in an interminable transfer saga. As a young boy in the school yard who didn’t dream of being strongly linked with a move from the club they play for, to one that wear different colours and are based in a different city? Well now you can see which protracted close-season deal you would be with our fool-proof test. Just answer these questions, and before you know it you’ll be issuing a ‘come and get me’ plea to a club that can offer you the joy of Champions League / Premier League / Non-league football.

Your agent says that a club has contacted him on the wink-wink-nudge-hush-hush about procuring your services, but they want to know what your demands are. You ask for:

a) A transfer policy that bears no relation to the realities of economics or financial stability and an unapologetic support for General Franco during his fascist reign in the 20th century.

b) Two decades of glorious success at home and abroad (preferably the 70s and 80s) and the opportunity to play with Jermaine Pennant and Dirk Kuyt.

c) A semi-detached for Tina and the boys, a club Vauxhall with electric windows and Sky Plus.

A rumour that you might want to move appears in The Sun’s HOT GOSSIP column. Your manager asks you why you would want to leave the club. You say:

a) Having worked your way through the cast of Hollyoaks and realised that Oasis aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, you have had your fill of Manchester.

b) Having worked your way through a packet of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk and realised that the UB40 aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, you have had your fill of Birmingham.

c) The signing on fee could be put aside as a lovely nestegg to open a pub with when your playing days are over.

A local newspaper approaches you for a response to the growing rumours about your departure from the club. You respond by:

a) Issuing a cryptic statement which makes several references to a possible, theoretical move abroad which you call ‘my dream’, but also refer to your current club and your experiences there as ‘beautiful’. However, you fail to hide the fact that your move is actually motivated by a desire to increase your weekly wage from the annual GDP of Chad to that of Kenya.

b) Telling the journalist that you need a club who can match your Champions League ambitions (knocked out in the quarter-finals), and argue that you’ve been an England regular for almost five months and therefore should be able to do what you want.

c) Declining to make a comment, correctly assuming that the reporter for the Daily Shit is actually child on summer holidays making prank calls.

So which are you?

Mostly As: Mummy would be proud, you are Cristiano Ronaldo and you are returning to the promised land of Madrid.

Mostly Bs: Get ready to claim that this is your year, you are Gareth Barry and you’re stuck in transfer limbo before inevitably moving to Liverpool for far more than you’re worth.

Mostly Cs: You are every deal made below Championship level this summer.

Two As and a B: Make up your mind son, your constant posturing for a move has angered your manager. You’re staying put and training with the reserves.

B and two Cs: Disappointing A-Level results

One of each: Get out

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