Which Are You?

Memorable Games

Every Single Person In The World tuned in for “The Game of Games”, the Champions League final between the “Teams of Teams” Chelsea Football Club and the Manchester United. After all, as Clive Tyldsley surmised pre kick-off, “you’d have to be a complete and utter gay to miss this one!” But have you ever wondered which barnstorming English clash of the titans you would be? Of course you have. Take our scientifically endorsed test below to find out for sure.

As the time ticks down to kick off, you wisely give thought to your pre-match energy levels. You:

a) Put on your headphones and ‘pump up’ the ‘jam’ with the Wu Tang Clan. Their unique urban twang, and tales of blinging gravel pits give you a funny feeling in your stomach, which you fill with a Cadbury’s Crunchie.

b) Pour yourself a mug of piping hot Bovril, eat the spam fritter ‘er indoors lovingly prepared for you that morning, and decide to use the thre’penny you will earn for today’s game to save for a wireless.

c) Prise up the floorboards and remove a contraband Kendal Mint Cake, look intently at your compatriots, and divide up the aforementioned minty treat telling them to savour it, because the next time they taste something this sharp it could be Fritz’ cold steel.

You decide to tell all your mates about the big game. You:

a)Inform them that this football match is the culmination of literally thousands of years of football history, and that everyone else might as well just stop playing because everything that comes after this will be disappointing and hollow by comparison. You sum up by shouting “THE CHAMPIONS du-du-du-du-du! Sponsored by Playstation 3″ at their stupid faces.

b) Head down to the allotments to let Charlie and Greg know you’re having a kickabout down the Arsenal. A plane passes overhead and you suddenly come over all queer, completely forgetting what you’re doing there among the cabbages.

c) Prise up the floorboards and remove a contraband torch. Then, using a sophisticated system of dots and dashes, ask Rocky over in Cell Block X whether he’s any good with his hands. Of course he is, he’s Rocky!

The game is over and you’re wondering what to do next. You:

a) Simply can’t believe that the ultimate footballing experience is a rather pedestrian 1-1 draw decided on penalties, then tell your ghost writer to scrub out that last bit and instead make out that it was the greatest 1-1 draw in living memory.

b) Share a bag of toffees with the opposing team, then head home to pack your long johns for an exciting away trip to Belgrade. You almost slip over on a spot of black ice in the back garden while having your bedtime Woodbine, and suddenly come over all queer again. It must be that spam fritter repeating on you.

c) Charge out of the stadium to freedom amongst thousands of cheering fans, only to find yourself on the set of a film! Why of course! You are highly successful British thesp Michael Caine! No need to worry about those Nazi bastards now, it’s 1981 and you’ve got totty on tap. Spare a thought for those that lost their lives in the war, then shag on!

So which are you?

Mostly As: Open up an ISA and inform the wife that you couldn’t possibly say where your future lies. You’re only the superbly marketed, but inevitably disappointing Game of Games.

Mostly Bs: Brace! Brace! Brace! You’re the Busby Babes’ last game on English soil: Arsenal 4 Busby’s Fallen Heroes 5. You’d better get that shelving unit finished as you’ve only got five days left to live.

Mostly Cs: Ditch the overtly conspicuous Pelé and learn the German for “can I have a jellied eel?”. You’ve just Escaped to Victory.

Some of each: Impossible. Go back and start again.

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