Which major European league are you?

Before English missionaries such as Luther Blissett and Vinny Samways went forth to spread the word, football on the benighted continent of Europe was a savage and unregulated sport, played only by peasants and wandering fourth officials. Now countries from Romania to Switzerland host semi-regular cup tournaments, and the bigger nations have even managed to establish rudimentary league systems. But do you rank your friends by goals scored or head-to-head record? Find out with our quick quiz.

You are out for dinner at a high-end restaurant. How do you choose what to order?

a) You rotate between your favourite ‘big four’ options, usually settling on Aberdeen Angus steak with chips (on the shoulder) and lashings of red sauce. Indigestion is inevitable.
b) You have a very refined, but limited palate and tend to go for something hand-reared in Catalonia. You believe in ‘eating food the right way’ – but occasionally decide to buy up all the ingredients in the restaurant and pour champagne over them.
c) Several of your preferred dishes have been removed from the menu due to a price-fixing scandal. Looks like it’s salame milano for you. Again.

A TV company agrees a deal to broadcast a weekly highlights package of your life. What format should the programme take?

a) Former colleagues lounge on sofas wearing shiny, tight-fit shirts/strobe-effect pinstripes while mumbling about how ‘the lad done good’ in regional accents. Pun heavy. Cliché heavy. Brand New Heavies (on the soundtrack).
b) Bright, red and yellow décor with a minimalist set, featuring one sharply suited presenter and one deeply tanned, greasy-haired, saucy-grinned pundit – who undoubtedly has a thing for your wife.
c) A bald man sits on your front patio eating ice cream, flicking through flamboyantly coloured newspapers. Programme begins with iconic but largely incomprehensible ‘Gooooooooooooaaaaaalllazo!’ sound effect.

You face criticism from your boss about the way you conduct yourself at work. How do you react?

a) Bellow defiantly that you invented the business before kicking a plastic drinking cup the length of the room. Blame the influx of foreign co-workers for depriving you of opportunities.

b) Ignore the comments and instead continue to draw triangles in your notebook. Throw yourself to the ground theatrically if physical contact looks a possibility.

c) Keep a well-organised straight face for as long as possible before poking him swiftly in the eye and retreating to your office. Keep door locked until the end of the day.

Mostly As: ‘Who are yer?’ You’re the English Premier League, son! Now get some diamond studs for your pierced ears and go smash a nonce.
Mostly Bs: You think you’re pretty good – and to be fair, you are. But you’re also a massive racist. You are La Liga. Olé!
Mostly Cs: You are a faded beauty, saggy-breasted and creaking at the knees. You are Serie A and not even Silvio Berlusconi would any more.
One of each: You’re a second-tier top tier – time for the tiebreaker question:

What is your favourite sitcom?

a) ‘Allo ‘Allo!
b) Auf Wiedersehen, Pet
c) Neither of the above

A: Strike! You are the French Ligue 1.
B: You’re so stereotyped it’s no longer funny – you are the Bundesliga.
C: You are the Portuguese league. Sorry.

Which major European league are you?

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