George ‘McCartney is Dead’ rumours denied by West Ham

WEST HAM have moved to deny conspiracy theories that their tall defender George McCartney passed away last year and has been replaced by the winner of a lookalike contest, supposedly named Billy Cheers.

The rumours have built momentum after West Ham fans pointed to a number of clues in their team’s football, matchday programmes and warm-up routines in recent months.

Suspicions were first aroused when footage of the West Ham defence – the so-called ‘Fab Four’ of Pantsil, Ferdinand, Neill and McCartney – crossing the road to their training ground showed McCartney to be out-of-step with his teammates, and the only player with bare feet.

Many Irons fans saw this as a hint by the players to McCartney’s fate, but Alan Curbishley has said that McCartney is just a very big fan of the African character from the mid-nineties children’s TV show The Hurricanes and often plays without boots in honour of his hero.

However, fans’ suspicions were raised further when popular radio presenter DJ Spoony accidentally broadcast West Ham boss Curbishley’s post-match press conference from last Saturday’s game against Manchester United backwards. Radio listeners were astounded to clearly hear the words “George is dead man, miss him, miss him. I buried him, and whatever happened to Julian Dicks?” coming out of their speakers.

Conspiracy theorists claimed that “McCartney’s” performance against Manchester United was the clearest sign yet that the promising full-back had been replaced by an imposter. “Did you see how he backed off Ronaldo for their first goal?” said Hammers fan Barry Adnitt. “If he weren’t dead already he’s clearly committed defensive suicide.”

McCartney himself denied the growing claims that he is dead in a post match press conference with WHUFCTVFC. “I am not dead,” he said before going onto deny that he is to leave West Ham and form a new back five with three far less talented defenders and his wife.

Published July 2, 2008

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