Alfonso Alves un-adapts himself to the English game

GARETH SOUTHGATE has confirmed Middlesbrough fans’ worst fears by admitting that Brazilian forward Alfonso Alves has contrived to un-acclimatise himself to the English game during the past week.
Alves’ lost and rudderless performance up front against Tottenham on Saturday was a devastating blow for the Teeside club after the striker had fully adjusted to the English game during last Sunday’s match against Manchester United, in which he bagged a brace.

“We are back to square one with Alfonso,” said Southgate. “He is not very good again. It is all very well adapting to the English game, but it’s a matter of staying adapted week in, week out, and not adapting back to the Brazilian game or worst of all, another country’s game altogether. Everyone remembers when Clayton Blackmore took a two week family break in Crete in 1992 and inadvertently adapted to the Greek game, it ruined his career.”

Alves’ sudden ease with life in the 100 miles per hour Premier League was evident when he celebrated his second goal against the champions in traditional English style. Delirious Boro fans cheered as he strawpedoed a Blue WKD, moaned about Polish immigrants taking manual labour jobs, and confirmed that he’d really like to “do” Keeley Hazell.

In high spirits after the game, Alves decided to take a trip to Rio’s, a Brazilian-themed nightspot in Ormesby, ignoring the advice of his manager who thought the striker too inexperienced to be switching between cultures willy-nilly. The carnival-like evening undid weeks of intensive cultural acclimatisation training, and Alves put in a lethargic performance against Spurs that showed his mindset was back to its un-adapted state, referred to officially by scientists as “more Ronaldinho than Ronnie Whelan”.

This season has already seen Manchester City’s Elano adapt back to the Brazilian game at around Christmas time, when he realised that Manchester wasn’t quite as similar to home as he had first thought. The playmaker was originally tricked into adapting to England thanks to a tour of Manchester’s shanty town districts in Urmston and Wythenshawe. However a trip to see Clint Boon DJ at “indie club” South featured mostly lank-haired young men shuffling round the dancefloor to Oasis B-sides rather than the expected feast of sizzling salsa moves, and brought home the brutal truths about life in England to the midfielder.

Published May 13, 2008

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