David Beckham solves nation’s problems with 100th cap

DAVID BECKHAM’S historic hundredth England cap caused an unexpected 64-minute cessation to all of modern Britain’s problems last night, including gun crime, binge-drinking, NHS waiting lists, inconsistent weather, the cultural tastes of the working classes, that embryo business, and the illegals. The Queen has declared a surprise public holiday for tomorrow (Friday) to reflect the scenes of national jubilation caused by Beckham’s emotional appearance in the tri-lioned shirt.

As Beckham came onto the field at 7.40pm GMT, spontaneous parties broke out up and down the country, reminiscent of the end of World War Two, or the closing scenes of the film Fever Pitch. Many shocked bystanders were swept up in the celebrations, even if they had no interest in football, or felt that David Bentley was a better long-term option.

“I was returning from a bit of early-evening Laser Quest and before I knew it I was surrounded by bunting, party poppers and amorphous fun,” said Mark Morriss, 36, from Walsall. “People were pouring out of their houses with big smiles on their faces. I’ve not seen anything like it since Gary Lineker successfully ended his career without ever getting booked.”

National Beckham Day began with the former England skipper waking to the strains of Brian May playing ‘Come On You Reds’ atop Beckingham Palace. Beckham then had a light continental breakfast with his wife, children, and the Neville brothers, before a guard of honour was formed by patriotic Englishmen for his journey from rural Hertfordshire to Paris. Then, in a touching tribute from the French, crowd members at the Stade de France donned masks of ex-Wimbledon goalkeeper Neil Sullivan, whose career highlight was being audaciously chipped by Beckham from all of 400 yards in 1996.

Beckham himself marked the occasion in his own indomitable style hitting a beautifully weighted cross-field ball to Joe Cole which, had it not been slightly too short and intercepted by Claude Makélélé, would have been marvellous. His perfectly judged cross which was met by Lillian Thuram on the edge of the penalty area was also “fitting tribute,” said the Queen.

Entrepreneurial china plate companies will rush-produce commemorative merchandise in time for this weekend’s tabloid magazines, but Beckham remains a paragon of modesty and restraint, refusing to draw attention to his place in the 100 Cap Club. “Despite defeat, we did a lot of things Wright tonight, we’re just looking for a little Moore from the lads. We need to make his country proud from Chorlton to Charlton. Now I’m going to celebrate with a nice red wine, a stick of celery, and a big slice of vintage Shilton,” he said.

Published March 28, 2008

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