New FIFA rankings downgrade Ronaldo from ‘world class’ to ‘very, very, very good indeed’

CRISTIANO RONALDO has lost his ‘world class’ status ahead of the World Cup after a season of competent but unspectacular performances for Real Madrid.

The forward was relegated in FIFA’s latest ability tables to the third-highest level of ‘very, very, very good indeed’.

The relegation comes as a shock, as Ronaldo had this season been expected to ascend to the highest possible level – ‘Pele’.

Although the star is said to be deeply hurt by his relegation, he gave a dismissive response when asked about the subject yesterday at Portugal’s South African base in Johannesburg. “Ronaldo does not care for labels,” the Portuguese star said. “Ronaldo is not concerned with pathetic gutter talk from crab men with very large mouths.”

The tricky winger performed well in his first season at Real Madrid, but FIFA bosses took a dim view of his inability to repeat his Premier League form – routinely embarrassing lesser opposition with maddening long-range goals and up to 48 consecutive stepovers.

The system that decides which players are officially ‘world class’ is built on a complicated combination of factors that include monitoring of internet forums, football phone-ins and player ratings on the most recent version of Pro Evolution Soccer.

FIFA representative James Upton explained: “We need to hear the crucial phrase ‘you’ve got to say, the boy’s world class’ for three weeks in a row, otherwise the relegation protocols are set in motion.

“Without access to an accurate list of players that are capable of representing the world, we’ll be in trouble if challenged at short notice to an intergalactic game of football against an alien race.”

Elsewhere in the latest tables, Blackburn Rovers defender Pascal Chimbonda’s rating changed from ‘does a job’ to ‘you don’t notice him’ after he was badmouthed by a <em>You’re On Sky Sports</em> caller. This means Chimbonda has become the first ever player to spend time in six different categories in one season, having already featured as ‘journeyman’, ‘donkey’, ’supersub’ and ‘great on his day’.

Published June 9, 2010

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