Curbishley: "I never even met Hayden Mullins"

RECENTLY DEPARTED West Ham boss Alan Curbishley has lifted the lid on the shocking restrictions placed upon him as manger, revealing that he was forced out of the club's decision making process from top to bottom.

"I felt completely undermined, I still haven't actually met Hayden Mullins," said a tearful Curbishley in a candid interview with Ceefax (page 302).

"I called a team meeting to say goodbye to the lads on Tuesday, and there were all these faces I've never seen before. I had no idea Kieron Dyer played for the club, nor that we'd actually never sold Samassi Abou."

Curbishley was so estranged from the powers that be at Upton Park that he only realised Rio Ferdinand had a brother when Anton phoned him to get a reference for a new job in Sunderland last week.

He also had to contend with swarms of PR men blocking access to the kettle and sink facilities, informal business seminars being held in the changing room during team talks, and middlemen messing about with his ProZone settings after he'd gone home for the day.

"Right from the moment I joined I knew it wasn't the same old Hammers I'd played for in the Seventies. For a start, where was Billy Bonds?" he said.

"Suddenly there was a Transfer Support Officer from HR who would come into my office and ask me how my transfers were going, and get me to fill out risk assessment forms every time I wanted to call an agent.

"Then my powers over buying new players were removed completely and replaced with a watercooler. Worst of all, towards the end Dennis Wise began interfering with deals for no apparent reason."

Tenth-place specialist Curbishley is hotly tipped to be replaced by Slaven Bilic, who has been West Ham boss for eight months.