Excitable football stars pray for training ground closures and more time to play in the snow

FOOTBALLERS ACROSS the country are glued to local radio broadcasts this morning, in the hope that their training grounds will be among those shut due to the snowy weather.

There will be widespread disappointment for most, as many club chairmen are calling breakfast DJs to spread the word that training grounds WILL be open as usual.

“Closing training grounds sets a bad example, and puts an extra strain on your WAGs who are forced to look for alternative care arrangements at short notice,” said killjoy Reading chairman John Madejski during his clubs’ traditional morning assembly.

His words were greeted with a chorus of boos and groans from the Reading squad, but it wasn’t all bad news for the Royals players, as Steve Coppell sanctioned an hour of snowball fights and snowman building competitions as a part of his typical low-intensity training schedule.

Some continental managers encouraged their players to express their talents by building igloos and doubling up on toboggans, while at Millwall youth goalkeeper Preston Edwards was mercilessly pelted with snowballs (many with stones in them) until he went home in tears.

Coaches and physios were on hand to avoid a repeat of the scenes in February 1996, when heavy snowfall in the North-East led to a raft of snow-related injuries.

In one infamous incident, Darren Peacock told Faustino Asprilla – who had never seen snow before – that stripping off and wearing a ’snow jacket’ was the best way to stay warm. Asprilla contracted hypothermia and was sidelined for a fortnight with frostbite.

In general, footballers were praised for their good behaviour, given the levels of excitement that accompanied the snowfall. Reports from Newcastle that Joey Barton threw a snowball made of compacted ice at Colin Calderwood from point blank range were angrily denied by Joe Kinnear.

“I feared the worst this morning and the lads were obviously a bit excitable, but Dazza (strength and conditioning coach Darren Hayman) settled them down with a round of Horlicks,” said Kinnear. “We gave them half an hour to let their hair down by chucking snowballs at a cardboard cut-out of Ricky Sbragia, then it was back to training for the rest of the day.”

Published February 2, 2009

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