Ferguson appoints Hilary Clinton as his assistant in a bid to attract undecided fans to United

SIR ALEX Ferguson has put an end to speculation about the vacant position of assistant manager at Manchester United by appointing the inexperienced Hilary Clinton to the post.

Senator Clinton’s official title is ‘running mate’, and her arrival is designed to attract supporters from other US constituencies such as Liverpool, Aston Villa and Derby, as well as more women, who have traditionally voted for their husband’s side or any club featuring Freddie Ljungberg.

Clinton will also play a key role in tightly-contested ’swing matches’ by undermining the opposition’s positional ‘flip-flopping’ in press briefings. She will also be expected to criticise their tactical naivety and soft stance on short corners on late-night talk shows.

The New Yorker saluted Ferguson at an Arndale Centre rally yesterday, saying that she is delighted to working with a leader so popular with the people. “I’m looking forward to getting out there and spreading the message,” she said. “Talking to supporters on the road, participating in a few Five Live phone-ins, and generally raising awareness about the selectoral process.”

And Clinton even picked up on one of the Ferguson camp’s most recognised slogans when quizzed by reporters about United’s persistent approaches for Tottenham’s Lee Young-Pyo considering their vocal complaints over Real Madrid’s aggressive pursuit of wantaway Louis Saha earlier this summer.

Asked whether United could get away with such hypocrisy, Clinton boo-yahed “Yes we can!”, before muttering about BBC bias and demanding a fresh packet of Wrigley’s Extra Spearmint.

Ferguson, the self-styled ‘candidate for a new change-strip’, is seen as frontrunner in the race for November’s Barclaycard Manager of the Month award, and Clinton’s presence on the United ticket continues a tradition of glamorous assistants at Old Trafford.

Brian Kidd, Steve McClaren, and latterly Carlos Queiroz have all completed campaigns with Ferguson, each bringing unique qualities to the role: sex appeal; x-factor; and ‘peerless banter’ respectively.

Published September 15, 2008

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