FIFA to ban jumpers for goalposts

FIFA HAS announced a worldwide ban on the use of jumpers for goalposts after a recent spate of violent clashes blamed on "blurred woodwork boundaries". Yesterday's harrowing Sweatergate brawls were the catalyst for action from FIFA, which was already uneasy about the number of park football matches being played without a pre-match rendition of the Champions League theme.

"We have been concerned about the game at the under-10s in the park level for some time," said Sepp Blatter. "It is unacceptable for young footballers to be using antiquated, potentially dangerous equipment such as jumpers, and we will act accordingly, swiftly and with great, furious directed guideline power."

The Sweatergate disturbance at the Cobi Jones playpark in Tamworth was caused by a row over whether a tame shot had gone "over" or "inside" the right-hand jumper at the historic Climbing Frame End. "That was post," blasted Child A, who cannot be named for legal reasons. "No it wasn't. It was in, you durr-brain," replied Kid A, who can be named for legal reasons, but only by using popular album titles from the 21st century. Thankfully the 30 child punch-up that followed was quickly defused by vigilant parenting and screams of "play on!".

Blatter has unveiled a detailed plan of action which will be implemented before the potentially wet and slippery May Day bank holiday. The doctrine proposes 10 major changes to the park game:

• Non-standard goal-building materials (including jumpers, twigs, bottles, tall children, industrial girders, sleeping tramp) outlawed



• "Bunching" punishable by a "severe telling off"



• Children taking it really, really wide so as to retain possession will no longer be considered "tricky"



• Antiquated "Monkey Rush" goalkeeper rules updated to less offensive animal. New "Zebu Rush" goalkeepers must have appropriate FIFA goalkeeping badge



• All goal-hanging decisions made by video ref team stationed in high-tech bunker in centre of Leicester high street



• All teams must include at least five players in the squad who live within ten minutes walk of the park



• Team playing skins decided by the toss of a coin rather than threats of violence



• Any child proposing game using a "windfloater" banned from park for three years



• Next-goal-wins rule phased out in favour of new Bronze goal scheme, which rewards fair play (team who volunteer to concede first win drawn games)



• Full-time signalled by a whistle, rather than the dark or teatime