Fulham move quickly to secure their place as nation’s ’second team’

LEAKED DOCUMENTS from Craven Cottage show that Mohamed al-Fayed has already drawn up a detailed pre-season plan designed to maintain his club’s status as the nation’s second team in the light of Blackpool’s unlikely promotion to the Premier League.

Fayed is understood to be highly concerned that Blackpool’s fairytale promotion backstory, charismatic boss, lurid kit and lack of recent top-flight footballing pedigree will combine to make them an attractive second team prospect come next season.

“Quite frankly he’s shitting himself,” said club insider and respected mascot Billy the Badger. “Everyone loves a small club that ascends through the football pyramid at lightning speed via a succesion of play-off wins.

“And he knows full well that the key Sky Sports demographic has had a long love affair with Ian Holloway thanks to his Soccer AM appearances.”

Fulham claimed the undisputed title of ‘everyone’s second club’ this season after their triumphant run to the Europa League final and Roy Hodgson’s consistently erudite performances in press conferences, which have been earned him the nickname “the thinking man’s Sam Allardyce”.

But with Fulham’s status under threat next season the club has drawn up a detailed plan to ensure that they will maintain their position. A document seen by The Gaffer includes plans to:

  • Launch a luminous yellow away strip sponsored by Global Hypercolour to harness the country’s new-found love for Nineties nostalgia.
  • Send Roy Hodgson to a stand-up comedy training camp so that he too can sprinkle his interviews with Hollowayesque banter and senseless metaphors.
  • Launch a new shirt sponsorship deal with the vogueish Liberal Democrat party, ensuring the club represents the zeitgeist of both footballing appeal and political momentum.

Published May 26, 2010

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