High standard of Premier League is ruining gaffes compilations

THE INCREASINGLY flawless technique and mental toughness of modern Premier League players has lead to a chronic shortage in hilarious gaffes, experts have warned in a new report.

The study, titled Where Have All The Howlers Gone? points to a worrying downfall in blunders which spells bad news for producers of traditionally lucrative Christmas DVDs.

Humorous errors are down a whopping 107% since the 98-99 season (figure adjusted for inflation), and if the trend continues there are expected to be big lay-offs within the BBC’s Nick Hancock division.

“In the Nineties players like Jason Lee and Preki could fill a 89 minute compilation in just 90 minutes of football, but the standard these days is just far too high” said Professor Shaun Teale, who oversaw the report.

“You don’t see Rooney or Torres hanging their heads in shame after miscontrolling a ball over the top of the stand very often, and this means we should all be worried for the long-term future of some of our nation’s most loved gaffe series.

“Danny Baker’s new VHS is conspicuous by its absence this Christmas, and any one of Rory McGrath’s Midfield Howlers 4, Robson Green’s Dropball Nightmares 12 and Apache Indian’s Crossbar Cock-ups 7,809 could be next for the chop”

In previous years a lucky child could expect to find at least 12 compilations on the market in time for Christmas, each featuring a multitude of own goals, trips, and accidental hilarity caused by footballers trying to play a pass or take a short corner.

However, with the introduction of continental coaching methods and the Adidas Predator the Premier League fan can now go a full season without seeing as much a humorously out-of-position wingback.

Gaffe video archivist John Battle is worried for the future of the genre: “These days stars like Lisa Riley and Patrick Kielty are having to sub-contract their skills onto gaffe DVDs which deal with more error-strewn trades, like TV talent shows and the Real IRA.”

However, some players have seen the gaffe shortage as an opportunity to make their mark in an otherwise directionless footballing careers.

Charles N’Zogbia recently admitted that his underhit through ball against West Bromwich Albion was actually more profitable in DVD licensing than it would have been had he found intended target Obafemi Martins, and simply appeared on the goals round up on Match Of The Day.

Football finance experts believe this approach may be the secret to Robbie Fowler’s massive wealth, which has enabled the Blackburn star to buy over half of the property in the north west of England.

Published January 23, 2009

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