Government announces controversial plans to shut Northern rumour mills

THE CONSERVATIVES came under fire today after announcing the closure of dozens of unprofitable rumour mills throughout the north of England.

As of tomorrow mills that haven’t generated at least three actual transfers within the last year will go, resulting in hundreds of job losses.

“This is an outrageous move,” said a group of Labour backbenchers in a letter to The Guardian. “What we are seeing here is the wilful destruction of communities that have relied on rumour mills for generations.”

According to a leaked internal document the announcement was timed to coincide with the closure of the transfer window: a traditionally barren time for rumour mills and a good day to bury bad news, as newspapers are universally leading with Asamoah Gyan’s £13m transfer to Sunderland.

Today’s news was greeted with dismay on the streets of Macclesfied, which has a proud history of rumour milling dating back to the 1890s. The town’s journalists were at one time responsible for seven separate rumours about a Tony Yeboah comeback, none of which came to fruition.

“Aye I’m gutted,” said one miller as he removed his pen from behind his ear for the last time. “We used to have rumour mills stretching as far as the eye could see. It’s a sad day for Macclesfied.”

The Tories say they want to centralise and streamline rumour milling via Sky Sports News, whose spending power and ability to spot a rumour has long exceeded that of the traditional mills.

Rumour mills were at their peak in the 1950s, when they constituted the main source of industry for thousands of unskilled workers. Agents, coaching assistants and journalists all spent time on the mills, honing their skills and creating a lot of hot air around technically limited midfielders.

Concerned at the power of the milling unions, Margaret Thatcher sought to destroy the industry in the mid 1980s. During infamous strikes at the time, gossip columnists on local newspapers who persisted in writing rumours were pelted with whistles and flags on their way to work and derided as ‘scabs’.

Published September 1, 2010

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