Chilling new advert aims to halt ‘horror tackle’ epidemic

DINNERS WILL be spoilt up and down the country by a shocking new government advert, which aims to raise awareness about the fatal danger of reckless tackling. Horror tackles have been on the rise in recent weeks, and the FA have joined forces with the government to create a promotional video which demonstrates the “life-wrecking” effects such challenges can have.

The rush-released advert shows unsettling footage of Eduardo da Silva’s horrible ankle injury, as he lies motionless and blue on a concrete pitch in central Birmingham, illustrating the grim danger of “getting a hard one in early to let him know you’re there”.

“If you go in wholeheartedly for a 50:50 ball with traditional English bulldog spirit, there’s around an 80 per cent chance I’ll get back on my feet and shake your hand,” intones the chilling voice of Eduardo (played by Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe).

“If you clatter me late with both feet off the ground, studs showing and with absolutely no intention of playing the ball,” it continues, “there’s around an 80 per cent chance you’ll hear a snap, a part of my anatomy will shatter in a horrific but strangely compelling way, and David Buust’s agent will get a call about possible punditry work.”

Since Eduardo’s horrendous injury, horror tackles have spread like wildfire among impressionable Premier League players. Ashley Cole was so pleased with one recent effort on Spurs’ Alan Hutton that he was too busy rubbing his hands together and surveying his work with admiration to realise that referee Mike Riley was attempting to book him.

Spokesman from the Ministry of Fair Play Alexander O’Neal said “The sad thing is that kids take the examples of what they see on Match of the Day and think it’s alright.” O’Neal went on to detail an under-8s game in Axminster, Devon which was completely marred by a wet behind the ears sweeper jumping in for challenges when ‘out of control’, and wearing deliberately sharpened studs.

“His manager had behaved irresponsibly,” said O’Neal, “but whether or not he’d been told that ‘these Pinhoe kids don’t like it up ‘em’, there’s no excuse. One child he targeted ended up with a snapped tibia and will never play again, it’s just extremely lucky that he wasn’t very good anyway.”

Published April 8, 2008

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