City's Jo is 'tip of the iceberg' in rubbish Brazillian names crisis

MANCHESTER CITY signing Jo’s poor name is the latest evidence of a chronic name shortage affecting the whole of Brazilian football, say experts in new research published today.

A study titled Brazilian football: Not in my name, suggests that the Brazilian Name Forest has been depleted by 78% in the last decade, forcing the once-forename-rich country to import names from abroad.

"What we are looking at here is an irreversible crisis," said the report's author Terry. "I would advise any footballer with a spare name to go to their nearest Oxfam and donate it to Brazilians who are suffering without a good name." Footballers who have already signed up to the appeal include Greame Saux, Matthew Le, and Jan Vennegoor of.

Brazil had exclusively used its own names or names imported from Ancient Greece until very recently, when City’s new £18m signing and Lyon hotshot Fred owned up to using unadventurous British-made names. Days later Werder Bremen defensive midfielder Diego admitted that he was forced to turn to hated rivals Argentina for his handle.

Public opinion in Brazil blames the government for the shortage, with rumours rife on the streets of Rio De Janeiro that the corrupt Bebeto regime has embezzled names from the public fund. However, government spokesman Edison Quantus Mascarpone Rai Hirrero Dos Dos Dos Silva said there is no evidence to back up these 'wild claims', and blamed global warming for ruining years of excellent name crops.

The crisis has reached such heights that tourists have been warned not to walk the streets of Rio Di Janeiro at night or enter slum areas, for fear of being robbed of their name. If they have no choice it is advised that they don’t openly flaunt their name, and adopt a disappointing alias via their phone’s Bluetooth facility to keep the notorious Nokia street gangs at bay.