Kevin Bond's programme notes savaged by the critics

KEVIN BOND was left licking his wounds today after his column in the AFC Bournemouth v Tranmere Rovers match programme was met with universally bad reviews. The 20th instalment of Bond's regular On her AFC's Secret Service column, was branded "unimaginative", "affected" and "lacking in Bond's usual zest for language" by scathing media commentators.

The column charts a hectic week for the Cherries, including Saturday’s trip to Gillingham, and tackles themes of player tiredness, injuries and a contentious offside decision. On BBC2's Late Review, Germaine Greer described Bond’s reasoning for substituting Marvin Bartley at Priestfield as "contrived, little more than a substandard pastiche of Joyce's Ulysses".

Mark Kermode added that Bond’s prose "failed to ignite the readers' imagination in a time when managers like Colin Calderwood and Alan Buckley continue to show that this is a golden era for the manager's matchday programme notes". John Harris chipped in with a comparison to the second album by Menswe@r, saying "They're both shite".

However, Bond was upbeat today pointing to the fact that fans have responded well, with programme sales up by six per cent in the past month. One fan wrote on a Cherries messageboard to defend Bond, saying: "If people don't think the paragraph about Warren Cummings' shin splints was classic Bond then they’re off their trolley. I read it all in just three sittings."

Others have pointed to Bond's broadening horizons, particularly when he draws a simile between Jo Kuffour's performance up front, and the crashing of the waves on a deserted Mediterranean beach in springtime. Bond will look to silence the critics when he gets back to the laptop this weekend for a much-anticipated take on his side's battling 2-1 victory over Tranmere, the struggles of life in administration, and the new R.E.M. album.